Just a Harmless Joke

Fred Weasley found it strange that he'd never been caught sneaking food from the kitchens, especially since he usually went in the middle of the night. He could only assume it was because Filch, the caretaker, assumed no student knew where the kitchens were—stupid, really, when you considered that Fred and his twin brother George had been caught in quite a few places no one was supposed to know about. Whatever the reason, Fred was glad he'd yet to get in trouble, as he, George, and Lee Jordan took turns going down to the kitchens every week, giving Filch plenty of opportunities to catch them.

"Out for another nightly stroll?" the Fat Lady said dryly as he approached her portrait.

"Actually, I was visiting Professor Snape. Apparently he's fallen madly in love with me and gave me a ton of snacks as a token of his affections."

"Right," she said and rolled her eyes, but she chuckled. "Password?"

"Monkey stew," Fred told her, and the portrait hole swung open. He climbed in with a bit of difficulty (he couldn't use his hands with all the stuff he was carrying), and was relieved to find the common room empty.

At least, he thought it was empty. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a muffled, sleepy-sounding voice say, "Stupid water beans."

"Hermione," he muttered. She'd been studying for the O.W.L.s and the N.E.W.T.s again, though the O.W.L.s weren't for another few months and the N.E.W.T.s weren't for a few more years—at least not for her. It was the fourth time he'd found her sleeping in the common room, lying on a couch with various books scattered around and on top of her. She had one hell of a habit of muttering in her sleep, too. Shaking his head, he went over to wake her.

"I figured it out, Penelope," Hermione mumbled. "Basilisk..."

Fred stopped. He knew instantly that she was reliving the moments in her second year, right before she and Penelope Clearwater had gotten petrified. He gave her a look of pity; he knew Ron had a few nightmares about some of the things he, Harry, and Hermione had been through, and Ginny had bad dreams about the Chamber of Secrets all the time. Fred could only imagine the horrors of giant spiders, snakelike monsters almost as big as dragons, facing the Dark Lord, fighting dementors, and so on. The things that must plague the lot of them...

"Look around the corner with the mirror! It's probably on the loose," Hermione moaned, her voice scared and anguished. Fred admired her strength; to deal with all that she'd faced...

"'Mione, c'mon, wake up," he whispered, setting his food down on a nearby table. "Time for bed."

"We have to find Harry and Ron..."

"'Mione!" Fred shook her shoulder gently.

"Ahh!" Hermione let out a miniature scream, and Fred jumped, then realized she had probably reached the point in her dream when the basilisk had petrified her. She seemed to rest easier after that, and Fred was suddenly reluctant to wake her up. He stared gathering the notes and books spread out across her body and the floor, stacking them up on one of the common room tables. As he plucked An Advanced Guide to Transfiguration from her chest, she smiled and let out a happy giggle.

Deciding it would be best to let her sleep, he slid an arm under her back and another under her knees, lifting her up and cradling her against his chest. He carried her over to the girls' dormitory and up to the top, where the fifth-years roomed.

It was easy to pick out Hermione's bed, and would have been even if the other beds hadn't been full. The bed was crisply made, and the nightstand was neat and orderly. While the other girls had magazines, makeup, and clothes strewn around their beds and on their trunks, Hermione's space was completely clean, and a copy of Hogwarts: A History lay open on the nightstand. He laid her gently on the bed, being quiet so as not to wake up Hermione's dorm mates.

He shouldn't have bothered; the light from the open door was shining right onto Parvati Patil's bed and into her face; she woke up and caught sight of Fred, and her gasp woke Lavender Brown. They both looked up and gaped at Fred, who was climbing off the bed where he'd just set down Hermione and tucked the blankets around her.

He knew he should explain, but the troublemaker in him reared its ugly head. "Evening, ladies," he said with a grin. "Sorry to wake you; I was trying to... avoid that."

Parvati squinted at him. "George? George Weasley?"

"Fred, actually," he told her cheerfully, then walked to the door. "Goodnight."

The moment the door closed, he could hear Lavender and Parvati break out into whispers. Laughing at the thought of what their conversation was probably about, he turned and went back downstairs to retrieve his food.

~*~

"Hermione Granger! When were you going to tell us you and Fred were seeing each other?"

Parvati's words startled Hermione back into consciousness. Disoriented, she pulled down her comforters. Sunlight was streaming through her bed hangings, which were open—odd, she usually left them closed when she slept... "What?" she asked groggily.

Lavender and Parvati were standing by her bed. "When were you going to tell us you've been seeing Fred Weasley?"

Hermione blinked. "Lavender, what on earth are you talking about? I'm not seeing Fred."

"Then what was he doing in your bed?" Parvati demanded.

"Are you crazy? He wasn't in my bed..." She trailed off, abruptly realizing that she'd not made it back to the dormitory last night at all. Fred had woken her up before, as had quite a few other Gryffindors who found her using her books as pillows. Deciding he must have carried her back up to her dorm instead of disturbing her, she shook her head. "I fell asleep in the common room," she told them, "Fred just didn't want to wake me."

"Is that the best you can come up with?" Parvati said, rolling her eyes. "How would you know, if you were asleep, hmm?"

"Admit it; you've been shagging him for ages, haven't you? Do Harry and Ron know?" Lavender said excitedly before Hermione could reply. "How do you avoid confusing him and George? Oh, god, have you ever confused him and George?"

"Why didn't you tell anyone? He's only in seventh year, he's not that much older," Parvati added, "and everyone knows you're friends with all the Weasleys."

"How come you never got caught? Don't you usually stay over at the Weasleys' during the summer?"

"Is that why you never came to bed early? Oh, my god, you weren't staying in the common room to study—you were waiting for everyone to go to sleep so you and Fred could—"

"Oh, go away," Hermione said irritably, rather amazed that they could get so elaborate so quickly. "I told you, I'm not sleeping with Fred. I've never even kissed Fred. Let me sleep."

Hermione pulled the blankets over her head, relieved to hear Lavender and Parvati leave the room.

~*~

"Harry! Ron! Is it true?"

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley looked up as Lavender and Parvati came bounding down the girls' dormitory stairs. They'd only just come down to head to breakfast, counting on running into Hermione on the way, but found only her books neatly stacked on the table. "Is what true?" Harry asked warily.

"Is Hermione really sleeping with Fred?!" Lavender exclaimed.

"What?!" Harry and Ron shouted together.

"Of course Hermione's really sleeping with Fred," said a voice from behind them. The four of them turned as Fred, George, and Lee Jordan descended the stairs into the common room. It was Fred who had spoken. "Has been for months, as a matter of fact. And let me tell you, she's great in bed—"

"Ew!" Lavender and Parvati shrieked. "Come on, I've got to tell Padma!" Parvati said, and dragged Lavender out the portrait hole.

The moment they were gone, Fred, George and Lee looked over at the horrified expressions on Ron and Harry's faces and burst out laughing. "Can't believe they bought it, the stupid idiots," George gasped. "This is a good one, Fred."

"Wait," Harry said, "you aren't... er... dating Hermione?"

Fred waved his hand dismissively. "Of course not. She fell asleep in the common room and I carried her upstairs. When Lavender and Parvati woke up I couldn't resist having a bit of fun, you know?" The three seventh years laughed again. "I can't help it if they got the wrong idea." He schooled his features into a straight face. "It's not like I said, ‘Oh, yeah, Hermione and I just finished getting it on, be good and don't tell anyone.'" He laughed again, clutching his sides.

"You certainly could've helped it, and you know it!" Ron said hotly. "Now everyone's going to think she's a slut, just like last year with that nasty Rita Skeeter! That was really terrible of you—"

"Oh, be quiet, Ron. It'll all blow over. No one'll really care; it's just a harmless joke."

By lunchtime, nearly all of Hogwarts knew about the Fred and Hermione scandal. Parvati told her twin sister, Padma, which ensured that almost every Ravenclaw would know within a few hours. Lavender visited the Hufflepuff table during breakfast, eagerly filling in her fifth-year friends on all the things she'd heard or presumed; before long there wasn't a Hufflepuff who hadn't heard. The Slytherins caught snippets of the conversations off the Hufflepuffs during their first class; soon the entire Slytherin house knew about "Potter's Mudblood whore's flea-bitten, Muggle-loving blood traitor of a boyfriend." Even the portraits and ghosts were exchanging gossip.

The Gryffindor fifth-years had potions right after the seventh-years, and Hermione was waiting for Snape to dismiss the class, her hand clenching and unclenching around her wand. Snape was keeping the class over for some reason—probably punishing them—and it was pissing her off even more.

For she had resolved to kill Fred.

Gryffindors in her year had the morning off, and she'd gone to the library to study. All day, she'd put up with jeers about Fred and people running up to ask about her "relationship" with him. When Lavender had finally told her, "That's not what he said," during lunch, Hermione had skived off Arithmancy to storm up to the north tower, where Harry and Ron had told her the whole story before they went to Divination.

So Hermione had been waiting for fifteen minutes now, having showed up early... which was stupid of her, she now realized, as Snape wouldn't have released the class early without having had a lobotomy. Other Gryffindors were turning up now, as were Slytherins, who made a few sneering remarks at her, but she didn't even hear them through her blind rage. Eventually everyone became fixated on a Ron-and-Harry-versus-Malfoy fight; that is, until Fred and George walked out. She suddenly realized that she was too worked up to tell them apart and didn't know which twin to curse into oblivion.

"Stupid prat," one of them said, probably in reference to Snape. "I'm about ready to blow off Herbology, what'd'ya say, Fred?"

Some dim corner of her brain said Ah ha! but she had already acted, leaping forward and pinning Fred to the wall. The shocked-as-hell look on his face was comical (or would have been if she hadn't been so homicidal she'd actually forgotten about drawing her wand).

Fred recovered from his surprise quickly, grinning at her in a way that infuriated her more. "Why, Hermione, dear, I know you like it rough but I thought we'd talked about public displays of affection—"

George was making a strangled sound in his throat that might have been a cover for laughter. The seventh-year Gryffindors that had elected to take potions in their last year—including Lee, and Fred's occasional date for dances or Hogsmeade weekends, Angelina Johnson—were watching with as much interest as the fifth-year Gryffindors and Slytherins.

"You... I'll kill you... you... piece... of... shit..." Hermione spat. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?"

"What?" Fred asked innocently. "Oh, you mean how I told everyone about... us?" He stressed the last word. Harry, Ron, George, Angelina, and Lee, the only ones who knew the truth, all began shaking their heads frantically, having realized that Hermione was definitely going to kill him and hoping Fred would quit before certain death occurred. "I'm sorry, darling, but Parvati and Lavender caught me leaving last night and I thought it would be useless to try to pretend we weren't seeing each other." With the exception of the five spectator Gryffindors in on the joke (who cringed), everyone's eyes widened at that, including Hermione's.

"What?" she spluttered.

"Don't worry, Hermione, now that our secret is out, things will be so much better. No more getting it on in secret passages and broom closets—don't know why we kept it a secret in the first place."

George smacked his forehead, muttering that his twin was doomed. Hermione drew back her fist, and Fred acted—half to keep himself from receiving a black eye or a broken nose, and half because he just couldn't help himself; the attention of the Gryffindors and Slytherins was egging him on.

He kissed her.

Several books fell from hands. Jaws dropped. Both Hermione and Fred's closest friends looked on with a mixture of horror, awe, shock, and amusement. "Now that's Gryffindor bravery," Lee mumbled.

Fred wasn't sure what possessed him to do it; self-preservation was what he blamed his actions on later. Whatever the reason, he kissed her like there was no tomorrow, sliding his tongue inside her open mouth. Hermione's shock wasn't wearing off—meaning she hadn't bitten his tongue in two—and Fred reached up and ran his fingers through her hair, wishing suddenly that he'd kissed her in a way that didn't mean he'd just committed suicide. Harry and Ron exchanged glances with George, Lee, and Angelina; the moments stretched and, while the five of them knew from Hermione's stance (she had stiffened with her fist still poised to strike, and she wasn't moving) that she wasn't reciprocating it, it was still an awfully long time for her to not gather her wits.

Hermione, meantime, felt her resolve weakening as he caressed her mouth with his own, and the therapeutic feeling of his hands in her hair made her eyes droop and close. Later she would blame it on surprise and mental health issues, but she kissed back.

Fred was startled beyond belief when she responded. He could tell her fist was still drawn back, and perhaps it was the fact that Fred knew he was in for it when he stopped, or (more likely) perhaps it was the fact that Hermione was a good kisser, but Fred eventually drew her against him with one hand and held her tightly around the waist.

Unfortunately, the motion snapped her out of it. She pulled back after only a moment in his arms, ready to knock him silly—he'd kissed her! In front of her classmates! After telling them some bogus lie!

Yet even more unfortunately, she hadn't pulled away soon enough. Professor Snape had come into the hall, wondering why no one was entering his class and why the corridor was eerily quiet when he could see several Gryffindors from his desk.

Snape, startled and disgusted, took a step back at almost the same instant as Hermione, and saved Fred from his bloody fate, however inadvertently. "Weasley! Granger! What is the meaning of this?!"

The whole lot of them—Slytherins and Gryffindors alike—jumped in surprise. Hermione didn't turn around, staring at Fred with a mortified expression, her arm still raised to beat him senseless. "Detention, both of you," Snape barked. "The rest of you, inside, now."

No one moved. "I said now!" Snape fairly shouted. Everyone jumped again, scrambling to retrieve dropped books and bags.

Hermione's eyes narrowed. With a kick in the shins that made Fred yelp, she picked up her bag and flounced inside the classroom.

It was rare to see Hermione so angry, but Ron and Harry knew she was pretty much deadly when pissed off, and she was looking livid—much angrier than they'd ever seen her, even more so than when she'd slapped Draco in their third year. She didn't even notice that her robe had slipped off her shoulder when Fred had kissed her and was showing her bra strap, or that her hair looked rather bizarre and a lot fluffier from Fred's fingers in it, or that her pale pink lip gloss was smeared. She wouldn't speak at all during potions, and by the time the class ended she looked rather weary and drained.

"Hermione..." Harry began as they headed to the Great Hall.

"What?" she said harshly.

"Everyone will forget about it soon, don't worry," Harry told her, trying to comfort her. Ron nodded emphatically.

Hermione laughed hollowly. "They might have, Harry, if Snape hadn't kept the class over and I'd just decked Fred before everyone showed up. The Slytherins—and Lavender and Parvati—are going to be talking about it for ages now. Not only was there an argument and Fred acting perfectly innocent, but he kissed me. He kissed me in front of Snape, Harry!"

"Come on, 'Mione, you know Fred. He was just milking the crowd, like always. Everyone will forget soon," Ron said.

"He kissed me!" she wailed again. "EW!"

"It couldn't have been that bad," Ron said sulkily, "it lasted ages—OW!" Harry had elbowed him hard in the ribs.

Hermione moaned and trudged into the Great Hall, whispers and jeers following the three of them. They didn't see Fred, which was lucky for him, because Hermione had started muttering a list of incantations for gruesome curses under her breath when a Ravenclaw boy called out something incredibly suggestive.

Harry and Ron tried to get her to talk about Quidditch and homework but she would hardly say a word, listlessly picking at her dinner. It was only when George Weasley came up behind Harry and Ron and said "Um... Hermione?" that she looked up.

Harry and Ron ducked, arms over their heads, as Hermione leapt to her feet and drew her wand with the speed of an Auror. "It's George, I'm George!" he yelled, flinging up his hands protectively. "I come in peace!"

There were loud laughs from all around the hall. Hermione sat down, her face flushed with anger and embarrassment. "What do you want?" she snarled.

"Um..." George lowered his arms. "Listen... Fred says he's sorry. And... and..."

Ron saw his older brother's face twitch as George tried to keep down a smile. Uh-oh, he thought.

"Yes?" Hermione prompted, her eyes narrowed.

"And that you're a good kisser," George said with an evil grin.

Hermione chased him clear out of the hall.

~*~

"Hey, Hermione, when's the wedding?"

"Why would anyone consider dating you? Paying him, are you, Granger?"

Comments ranging from "You go, girl!" to "Whore!" followed Hermione wherever she went over the next several days. Fred and George avoided the common room like the plague, and Lee always sat far from her when he wasn't hiding with them, his eyes darting to her nervously while she glared but didn't attack.

Harry and Ron told her a dozen times a day that it would pass, but they didn't seem too convinced themselves. Hermione and Fred were the most talked-about couple at Hogwarts, and their "breakup" caused even more gossip.

Three days after the scene outside the potions classroom, Lavender and Parvati sat down at Harry, Ron and Hermione's table. Hermione glared at them, but they stared back, unperturbed. "Hermione," Lavender said, "when are you going to make amends with Fred?"

"I'm telling you," Hermione snapped, her teeth so clenched that it was a wonder she could speak at all, "that there IS no Fred. WE WERE NEVER DATING."

"Sure," Parvati said, rolling her eyes, "he was just bringing you an extra pillow."

"I TOLD YOU—" Hermione began hotly, but Lavender cut her off.

"Look, you don't have to explain anything to us," she interrupted. "But you're ruining a relationship just because of one stupid fight about nothing at all. I don't know why you tried to keep it secret, anyway. We were bound to find out. You always stayed up really late, and when you did come into the dormitory you were always really tired. It doesn't take a genius, you know. You've obviously been shagging him for ages."

Harry and Ron were trying very hard to keep a straight face. Hermione opened her mouth, closed it, and started banging her forehead on the table loudly.

~*~

"Miss Granger, a word, please," Professor McGonagall said at the end of Transfiguration. Hermione waved at Harry and Ron to go on without her and headed up to the teacher's desk. "It has come to my attention," McGonagall said sternly, "that Fred Weasley was in your dormitory, and I must say, I expected better—"

"Not you too!" Hermione moaned, hitting both fists against McGonagall's desk in frustration.

McGonagall gaped at her, taken aback by the interruption. "I beg your pardon?"

"Professor, Fred found me sleeping in the common room and carried me upstairs," Hermione said. "Nothing happened, but Parvati and Lavender saw him leaving and I tried to tell them the truth but he thought it was funny and..." She trailed off, sighing miserably. McGonagall probably wouldn't believe her, either.

McGonagall, to her surprise, chuckled. "Ah, I see. And Mr. Weasley played the crowd, so to speak?" Hermione nodded. "Well, then, Miss Granger, I suggest you do something about it."

"I've tried; no one believes me."

"No, not about the rumors," McGonagall said, her eyes twinkling. "About Mr. Weasley."

"What?"

"Gossip isn't important, girl, don't put so much stock in reversing it. But if I were you, I wouldn't let Mr. Weasley have all the fun, do you understand?"

Hermione's eyes lit up. Revenge, and in a way that wouldn't get her in detention or land her in Azkaban. Now that was an idea...

"Thank you, Professor," Hermione said slowly. "I hadn't thought of that."

McGonagall favored her with a rare smile. "If there's one thing I learned when I was at Hogwarts—and it's largely thanks to James Potter and his crew—it's that one good joke deserves another."

"What did McGonagall want to talk about?" Harry asked as they went down to dinner.

"Homework," Hermione replied without batting an eye.

Harry frowned but didn't say anything. They went into the Great Hall, and Hermione led them to seats near Lavender and Parvati, which was something Harry also thought was odd—she'd been trying to steer clear of her two roommates. Ginny joined the three of them, sitting down on Hermione's left while Harry and Ron sat across from them. Harry, Ron, and Ginny talked about Quidditch for a while, falling quiet when Hermione cleared her throat.

"Guys... I have something I need to say, and, well... you're my best friends, so... here goes," Hermione said hesitantly. She blushed, and Harry saw Lavender and Parvati stop talking, their food forgotten. "I... I..."

"What?" Harry prompted.

"I... I really have been sleeping with Fred!" Hermione said in a rush. She grabbed her bag and ran from the hall at the stunned looks on their faces, leaving them in total disbelief.

~*~

"Hey, Fred!"

Fred turned to see Lavender and Parvati hurrying to catch up with him, Angelina, George, Lee, Alicia Spinnet, and Katie Bell. They both looked excited, and he exchanged a look with George and Lee. "Guess what!" Lavender told him. "Hermione's just admitted that she was seeing you!"

"What?!" Six startled faces stared at her.

"It's true," Parvati added. "We overheard her telling Harry, Ron, and Ginny at dinner. She ran off afterwards; I think she felt bad about lying to them. But maybe she's not mad at you anymore, you know? You should try to reconcile."

With that, the two girls left, leaving the others to gaze after them in surprise. "What's Hermione playing at?" George said finally.

"Have you been sleeping with her?" Angelina asked, sounding slightly accusatory.

"What?" the others exclaimed, gaping at her.

"They said they overheard her telling Harry and Ron. If she was just trying to mess with Parvati and Lavender, she would've told them directly, wouldn't she? She wouldn't tell Harry and Ron and Ginny something if it was bogus; they're always in on the joke with her, right? She wouldn't play a prank on them and she wouldn't hurt them by lying to them."

"I never slept with Hermione," Fred said impatiently. "I don't know what's going through her head, but—"

"YOU!"

They turned to see an enraged Ron stomping towards them with his wand in his hand, Harry and Ginny close on his heels, looking winded; they'd probably been chasing Ron all the way from the Great Hall. "HOW COULD YOU SLEEP WITH HERMIONE?!" Ron raged, advancing on Fred with murder in his eyes.

"Ron!" Ginny began as Ron aimed his wand at Fred's heart. She started to say more, but she was breathing too heavily to get the words out.

"Ron, I didn't sleep with her!" Fred said, backing up, his hands up pleadingly. "I swear!"

"Then why did she say you did!" Ron yelled, still marching forward.

"I don't know, ask her!" he retorted. "I'm telling you, it's all just a joke!"

Ron stopped, and so did Fred, having backed against the wall. Ron glared at him, and then strode off, his hands balled into fists. Harry and Ginny hurried to catch up.

Fred let out a shuddering breath. "Okay, this is not good," he muttered.

~*~

It wasn't long before over a half-dozen Gryffindors approached Hermione in the common room, demanding to know the whole story. Hermione was prepared for this.

"We started dating over the summer, after I broke up with Viktor Krum, and we decided not to tell anyone—so that the whole school wasn't butting in on our business." She gazed around sternly at everyone. "Guess it didn't work out too well, did it?"

The other Gryffindors left, and Harry, Ron, and Ginny, who'd been sitting at the table with her, stared at her. "You've been dating since summer?" Ron demanded angrily.

"I'm sorry, Ron," Hermione told him softly. "I just couldn't bring myself to tell you. I wanted to, but I wasn't sure how you'd take it, and... well... I don't know. You were so angry about Krum that I didn't want to even think about what you might say about me dating your brother."

Ron sighed, and began to work on his homework again, obviously upset. "Are you going to make up with him, then?" he asked, sounding rather harsh.

Hermione nodded. "I... well, yes, I want to."

She could tell Ron was buying her charade, but she wasn't sure either Harry or Ginny were. The two of them exchanged glances, and she swallowed.

Ron appeared flustered as they continued working, and eventually he packed up his books and stormed up to the dormitory. Hermione sighed as she watched him go. She knew Ron was upset, but she also knew that when the whole thing was over, Ron would think it was the greatest joke in the world.

Only a few minutes after Ron had left, Fred, George, and Lee came down, all looking nervous. Walking as slowly as a pirate's prisoner being forced to walk the plank, Fred gulped and approached her, sitting down in Ron's empty chair next to Hermione. She gathered up her courage; now, with Parvati and Lavender sitting not far away and Fred making the opportunity, she would have to implement the next stage of her plan. She began packing up her homework, preparing to make a hasty retreat.

"Listen, 'Mione," he said tentatively, fearing an angry reaction, "I..."

He trailed off as Hermione sighed, standing up and sliding her shoulders into the straps on her bag. He waited for her to leave, but instead she faced him. "Fred?" she said. "I... I'm sorry."

She bent down and kissed him, placing her hand on his shoulder, more to keep him from falling off of his chair in shock than anything else.

Just as she was leaning away, Fred placed his hands on the back of her head, returning her kiss. Hermione opened her mouth, which surprised him, but he took advantage of it. Two can play at this game, he thought. There were loud catcalls and whistles from around the common room, and Hermione surprised him even more by straddling his lap and putting her hands on his chest. His brain felt a bit fuzzy, and, when Hermione pulled away, he realized with a start that he hadn't wanted the kiss to end.

He opened his eyes. Hermione was gone.

~*~

The halls buzzed with talk about it for several days. Fred heard it everywhere he went, as did George, who was easily mistaken for Fred quite often by people who didn't know the twins well. Fred eventually started following George's example when people approached him and asked about Hermione, telling them shortly that he was George, not Fred, and had no idea what was going on. This was somewhat difficult, as the twins were rarely apart (and even the thickest Slytherin could tell that both twins couldn't be George), but it helped some.

He was growing more and more confused. Hermione was now avoiding him whenever possible, and he had a hard time catching her around people who wouldn't spread the story all over school. Why had she kissed him?

A few days after the incident in the common room, when Fred was finally starting to decide that maybe he should forget it, he received a note from Professor McGonagall, telling him that his detention would take place on December 2. He saw Hermione receive a similar letter at breakfast, and a ray of hope shone through the confusion. Hermione wouldn't be able to avoid him if they had to serve detention together, which meant he might finally get some answers.

Hermione showed up for her detention in Muggle clothing, and Fred's jaw dropped instantly. She was wearing a pair of tight, flared-leg black pants and a low-cut green shirt that showed off way more than Fred had realized she'd had. Snape yelled at her about her outfit, but Hermione pointed out that they didn't have to wear uniforms when they weren't in class and Snape let it go after deducting five points from Gryffindor "for impertinence."

They had to polish all the trophies in the trophy room—which was a hell of a lot—without magic. Snape left them alone after barking instructions, and Fred turned to Hermione. She was up on a ladder, polishing a large trophy already, and her back was to him. Fred gave her butt an appreciative look before speaking. "All right, Herm, spill. Why'd you do it?"

"Do what?" she asked, scrubbing at a bit of dirt on the edge of the trophy.

"Why did you kiss me, of course."

"Why did you kiss me?" she returned calmly. Fred felt himself getting annoyed.

"Because you were going to hit me. Besides, I wanted to mess with everyone's heads."

"Well, then, there you go. Hand me that bucket, will you?"

"Hermione! Answer my question!"

"Fine. I honestly don't know why I did it."

"Yes, you do!" he retorted. "You don't go telling people you've been sleeping with me for no reason!"

"You did," she pointed out. "Accio bucket!" she added, and the bucket soared up towards her.

"What, so this is revenge?" he demanded.

"No, silly, revenge would be beating you bloody." Hermione hung the bucket on the top of the ladder and looked appraisingly at the giant trophy in front of her.

"So, what is it, then?"

"Fun," she replied simply.

He glared at her for a moment, then sighed. "Honestly, Hermione, this is getting old. I think we should come clean."

"Oh?" she said. "Then go ahead. Tell everyone you were lying."

He grinned, realization dawning. "Oh, I get it. You're just trying to make me tell the truth."

"Am I?" Hermione leaped down off the ladder and faced him coolly, but mentally she kicked herself; she'd just set her plan back pretty far, but at least she'd be messing with his head more now. "Then I wouldn't do it again."

"What do you mean?" he said, narrowing his eyes at her.

"I mean, I wouldn't do it again," she repeated, and she leaned up and kissed him again, their mouths colliding in a familiar way that had been haunting him. She pressed her body against his, and he no longer cared about why, he only knew that he'd missed kissing her and would miss it again the moment it was over.

"Well," said a soft, dangerous voice behind them, and they both jumped, guiltily breaking apart, mortified as they turned to stare at Professor Snape. Fred could've kicked himself; of course, Snape had left them alone so he could catch them at it again. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, yeah... because I didn't expect to BE "at it again."

He swallowed; Snape was smiling, which was never a good thing. "Twenty points from Gryffindor, and another detention each." He swept out again.

"See what you did?" Hermione said crossly, and climbed the ladder again.

"What I did?!" Fred repeated, gaping at her. "What I did?! Excuse me?"

Hermione refused to speak to him again, and he spent the rest of the detention scrubbing trophies, watching her body in the reflection on the glass display cases; her chest swayed as she bent over to clean or when she ran the brush across a large plaque, and when he couldn't see that he watched her butt as she worked. She didn't say another word until she came across an award in one of the cases. He noticed she paled and wouldn't touch it.

"Why does Dumbledore keep this stupid thing?" she demanded angrily. "Tom Riddle, special services to the school my ass..."

He tried to get her talking about it, hoping that if he could get her talking about one thing maybe he could move the subject around eventually, but Hermione would have none of it. She cleaned harder after seeing the trophy, until Fred was cleaning one trophy to her four as he watched her movements even more. She was pretty, really—high cheekbones and full lips, large brown eyes and clear skin; she'd taken to braiding her hair (at Ginny's encouragement), which disguised the fact that it was so bushy, and he'd noticed last year that her teeth were now even and her smile much more beautiful. The bossy, goody-two-shoes little girl of five years ago had been replaced by... well, by a bossy, hot sixteen-year-old. He had known several guys—other than Ron and Neville Longbottom, who'd both had a crush on her for ages—that had started taking an interest in her. Hell, at the Quidditch World Cup, Oliver Wood had made a remark about Hermione that had made Fred and George's jaws drop; Fred couldn't remember it exactly, but it was something to the effect of "She really is hot; pity she's only fourteen." He and George had both been startled and had looked at her, heads tilted to the side as they realized what Oliver had apparently already figured out, that Hermione was pretty. Still, neither of them had thought much about it. She was Ron's friend, Ginny's friend, for all she was to them she might as well be Ginny.

Nope, not any more, he thought hazily, watching her in the gleam of a freshly polished trophy.

It was almost midnight when they'd finished, and by the time Fred looked up from his last trophy, Hermione was gone.

~*~

Hermione was halfway up the staircase to the girls' dormitory when she bumped into someone, knocking her off-balance and nearly sending her toppling down the steps. A hand reached out to steady her, and she looked up to realize she'd just walked straight into Ginny.

"We need to talk," Ginny said quietly, plopping down on the stairs right in front of Hermione. Hermione sighed, knowing that even if she wormed her way out of talking now, Ginny would make it a top priority to make Hermione talk later. She sat down next to Ginny, deciding to get it over with.

"What is it?" Hermione asked, though she thought she had a pretty good idea of what Ginny wanted.

"You know perfectly well what is it," Ginny said bluntly. "What's going on?"

"In regards to what?" Hermione said carefully.

Ginny snorted. "Don't play dumb, ‘Mione."

Hermione sighed again. "Fred, huh?"

Ginny nodded, rolling her eyes. "You've never slept with him; have you, ‘Mione." It was a statement, not a question.

"What makes you so sure?" Hermione replied, uncertain whether she should be offended that Ginny was sure Fred hadn't had sex with Hermione.

"Because you would have told me!" Ginny exclaimed, exasperated. "We tell each other almost everything, you idiot, I'm certain you didn't mention shagging my older brother. I think I would remember if you had. There's no way in hell you would have gone and hooked up with Fred without telling me, sooner or later. So what's really going on with you two?"

Hermione smiled faintly. "I'm sorry, Gin, you're right. I shouldn't have left you in the dark about this. In all honesty, he really did just carry me upstairs and Parvati and Lavender saw him leave... and then Fred was being such a prick that, well..."

Ginny gaped at her for quite some time before she slowly grinned. "You're trying to get him back, aren't you?"

Hermione nodded, feeling more than a little ashamed. Ginny, however, burst out laughing. "This is great!" she exclaimed through her laughter. "I didn't know you had it in you!"

"It was McGonagall's idea," Hermione said sheepishly.

Ginny raised an eyebrow. "McGonagall? As in, McGonagall?!"

"No, Ginny, McGonagall as in Hagrid. Yes, McGonagall."

Ginny shook her head. "The weirdness never stops. So... what all are you planning? Is that why you're dressed like you actually do know you have boobs?"

"Ginny!" Hermione cried.

"Well, you've never dressed like that before," Ginny said defensively. "Especially not at school. I didn't even know you owned clothes like that."

"My aunt took me on a shopping spree last summer," Hermione said. "I have tons of outfits like this."

"Well, you're going to need them," Ginny said, an evil gleam in her eye. "It's time my dear older brother learned a lesson."

"Definitely," Hermione said, smiling.

George and Lee were waiting up for Fred when he got back to the dormitory. "Well?" George asked eagerly.

Fred sighed. He'd told both George and Lee about how he'd been hoping to get answers out of Hermione; they were both putting as much thought into what her problem was as Fred was. "All I got out of her was another detention," he said glumly.

"How the hell did you manage that?" Lee demanded.

"She kissed me again."

"She did what?!" George and Lee exclaimed at the same time.

"She kissed me again," Fred repeated irritably. "And Snape showed up. Again."

George and Lee stared at him. "Well," George said finally, "I think it's safe to say she's lost it."

"You should have seen what she was wearing," Fred said, flopping down on his bed. "What the hell is she doing?"

"I don't know, mate, but you've got to do something about her," Lee said. "If this keeps up, you guys will be shagging by Christmas holidays."

George raised his eyebrows. "And the downside of that would be...?"

"George," Fred whined. "She's... she's evil. She's prissy, bossy, evil—"

"And hot," George supplied. "Face it, brother mine, you don't make out like that with a girl three times for no good reason. She's up to something. She's declared war."

"Why?" Lee asked no one in particular. "What's her motive? How is she getting back at him by making everyone think they're shagging in broom closets?"

"I don't know," George said slowly. "Maybe she's not trying to get back at him." His eyes widened suddenly. "Maybe she's trying to get with him!"

"What?" Lee and Fred said in unison.

"Come on, think about it. You like a girl, you flirt with said girl. And today she kissed you when no one was around—it's about more than keeping up the charade now. Maybe she's trying to make you like her. By making your hormones like her."

"My hormones already like her," Fred said, rolling his eyes. "That's not a bad theory, but it's not at all like Hermione."

"When was the last time Hermione was like Hermione lately?" George replied. "Maybe all those little adventures with Harry and Ron pushed her off the deep end or something, gave her a few too many head injuries. But you've kissed her once. She's kissed you twice. And Lee's right, if this keeps up you'll be shagging by Christmas."

"I don't know—I find it a bit hard to believe that she'd try to seduce me," Fred said.

"She's playing something, there's no doubt about that," Lee said with a sigh.

Fred sat up suddenly. "Well, she's playing with the wrong Weasley. She wants war, I'll give her war." He grinned mischievously. "I don't know what her problem is. But her most likely motive is getting back at me, making me tell the truth. Well, let her try. I'll show her!"

"I know that look," George said, staring at Fred as though he might be dangerous. "That look means you're prepared to do something stupid. Something very reckless, including absolute mayhem and a rule-breaking plan that's going to get us all in very deep trouble with Hermione, Filch, McGonagall, probably Snape somehow and maybe even Dumbledore."

"Are you in?" Fred asked him calmly.

"Oh, hell yeah. I'm very in."

They sat up late into the night discussing ideas, but in the end they didn't come up with much. All they had was a somewhat suicidal plan to find her and to get her to talk.

Unfortunately for Fred, winning his little war wasn't what was truly at the top of his to-do list. After tonight, he wasn't sure he'd ever look at Hermione in the same way again. A large part of him was confused, but he understood enough of the mess to realize that he was slowly developing feelings for Hermione Granger, and if he didn't sort things out soon, he was going to be in for it. He was on dangerous ground, and things were about to get deadly.

~*~

Fred's plan was simple: drag the truth out of Hermione at all costs. The twins and Lee had compiled a list of just how to do this... and if none of them worked, Fred figured he'd just make out with Hermione and then ask her what was going on while she was still stunned, which would be fun even if it didn't work. Meanwhile, if she wanted to act like Fred had been telling the truth, Fred would not only go along, he would further the rumor.

He called it Operation Karma, which basically meant he was going to give what he got, and she was going to get what she gave, and he was going to win. Unfortunately, he had no real plan beyond that, so he figured he'd just go with the flow and come up with another idea somewhere along the line.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Lee asked for the fifth time as the three of them marched to the library.

"Yes."

"Fred, it's not that this isn't a decent plan. It just might be a bad idea for you to make it a mission to antagonize our brother's best friend," George said.

"And long-standing crush," Lee added.

"Who's a Prefect," George said.

"And really, really good at Defense Against the Dark Arts," Lee pointed out.

"If you just want to make out with her, say so," George continued, smirking.

Fred stopped at the library doors with his hand on the knob and glared at George. "It is not about kissing her! Yes, she's good at it. No, it's not my motive. I'm going to get to her and figure out what the hell is going on. Unless you guys have got a better plan, this is it. We're going to mess with her head, and then we're going to figure out something else to do."

Fred burst through the door. Hermione, the only patron, looked up in surprise and mild anxiety before her face became expressionless. "Hello, darling," Fred drawled.

"Hello," she said calmly, turning back to her books. She began to pack them up, just as she had done in the common room. The three boys looked at each other, wondering what their next move should be. Then George stepped forward, dutifully trying to help his brother.

"Come now," George said cheerfully, sitting down next to her. "Is that all your ‘boyfriend' gets? A hello and a cold shoulder?"

Hermione looked up at him. "We 'broke up,' Fred, remember?"

George blinked. Oops, he thought, swallowing as she stared at him coolly. She wasn't paying attention when I came over, she thinks I'm Fred—holy shit!

Just as he opened his mouth to point out that he was George, Hermione leaned in to kiss him. George suddenly understood just why Hermione was driving his twin brother insane. She kissed like Aphrodite herself. He'd never kissed a girl who was half as good. Before he knew what he was doing, he was pulling her onto his lap. It was a good long while before he came back to reality—and it would have been a longer while if Lee hadn't cleared his throat loudly (well, it was pretty loud by the fifth time, which was when George finally heard him).

George's eyes snapped open and he pulled back. Hermione kissed him a few more times on the lips, quickly, barely anything deeper than pecks, though by the third one George was prepared to return to full-out making out. Hermione abruptly stood, grabbed her bag, and was sauntering out the door before any of them could blink.

"Stop her!" George yelled belatedly, shaking his head in an attempt to clear the mental fog. "Stop that girl! I forgot to tell her I'm not Fred!"

Fred was gaping at him. Gaping, in pure, undiluted shock. Lee was trying not to laugh.

"Okay, Fred," George said, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. "This is a bit more complicated than we thought."

~*~

Ginny was talking to Harry and Ron in the common room. What they were discussing, Hermione couldn't care less about. She threw her bag down on their table, grabbed Ginny by the arm and without a word dragged Ginny straight out the portrait hole and down the hall to the girls' toilets. She checked to make sure they were alone, cast an Imperturbable Charm on the door and let out a scream so loud that Ginny screamed back in surprise and nervousness.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Ginny asked when they'd both calmed down.

"I—I kissed—aaaaaaahhhh!" Hermione screamed again.

"You kissed Fred, right?" Ginny said, confused. Hermione shook her head and moaned. "Then who... oh, gods above, ‘Mione. Tell me you didn't."

"I thought he was Fred!" Hermione wailed. "What the hell did I get myself into?!"

"How do you know it was George?" Ginny demanded.

"It clicked when I was making my hasty exit and heard him yelling he forgot to tell me he wasn't Fred," Hermione snapped.

"Well, what exactly happened?"

Hermione quickly related the story. "I can't believe it," she added afterwards. "I mean, I looked down, and when I looked up, there was a Weasley twin next to me saying ‘is that all your boyfriend gets' and giving me that annoying little smirk. I thought for sure he was Fred."

Ginny bit her lip. "Well, that was a pretty major case of mistaken identity, but to tell you the truth, I don't think this matters in the scheme of things. It sounds like George enjoyed it as much as Fred—"

"Maybe even more than," Hermione muttered.

"—so George will be a lot more understanding of Fred. Which means George will help Fred solve the little mystery at all costs. Which means they'll play right into our hands. But I think there's a slight problem—they know we're playing a game."

"What do you mean?"

"They know you're up to something, fooling with their heads. They don't believe this is about you liking Fred. So let's make them believe it."

"How?" Hermione asked, wincing at the evil look on Ginny's face.

"You'll see."

"Uh-oh."

"Okay, now this is what I'm talking about. A purely evil plan. Evil with a capital MWAHAHA!" Fred cackled, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

"Hermione's going to beat you to death, you realize that, right?" Lee said desperately. Over the years, Lee had become almost as close to the twins as they were to each other, but he was always the last of the three of them to come up with a crazy scheme and the first person to say "Guys, this is a bad idea. This is one of those times when we actually shouldn't do it." In other words, unlike the twins, Lee had some small shred of sanity.

"It'll be a small price to pay for the look on her face," George said, grinning. "It really will."

Fred stopped and gave him a dirty look. "George, that wasn't entirely too supportive."

"Oh, right." George's grin disappeared instantly and he glared at Lee. "She's not going to beat him to death. She'll be too shocked. And even if she isn't, Fred can run faster. ...I think."

"Thanks, George," Fred said, rolling his eyes.

The three of them approached the portrait hole and gave the Fat Lady the password. They'd given Hermione plenty of time to get back from the library... and sure enough, there she was, sitting with Harry, Ron, and Ginny in the corner. Fred gave her a cold smile and raised his eyebrows, giving her enough time to realize something big was coming. Then he pasted an angry, hurt look on his face, resisting the urge to do a happy dance when he saw Parvati and Lavender turn to look in his direction.

"I can't believe you!" Fred roared, so loudly half the common room jumped. "Just when I thought we were past this! Just when I thought we could be together again!"

A look of fury and indignation flashed across her face as she understood what he was doing, but the expression was gone in an instant and her face became impassive. Ginny glowered at Fred, George, and Lee, while Harry and Ron simply looked bewildered. So Ginny knows what's really going on... interesting, Fred thought, filing that information away for later.

"How could you, Hermione?" Fred went on. "How could you?"

"What's he talking about, ‘Mione?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"I'll tell you what I'm talking about!" Fred shouted. "She kissed my brother!"

Hermione stood up. She looked shaky and on the verge of tears; Fred wondered briefly if he'd really upset her before it dawned on him that she, too, was acting. "I'm sorry, Fred," she said in a voice barely above a whisper, which still reached every ear in the silent common room. "He... you look so much alike!"

"That's no excuse!" Fred bellowed. "We've been together for ages! We've known each other for years! You should know me by now!"

"The Fred I know wouldn't have gone around telling everyone what we'd both agreed not to tell," Hermione spat, her voice rising. "The Fred I know wouldn't have thought it was funny! The Fred I know wouldn't have gotten me detention and embarrassed me in public! The Fred I know would know that my kissing George wasn't entirely my fault!" She was fairly screaming now. "George could have told me I was making a mistake at any time! He knew I thought he was you before I kissed him, and he could have said something! Did he? No! He could've pushed me away at any time! Did he? No! He just pulled me onto his lap and kept on kissing me! He decided having fun was more important than the feelings of his twin or his friend!" She turned to glare at George.

George swallowed, blushed and looked away, not enjoying this unexpected turn. Dozens of people turned to look at him curiously as he decided the ceiling was incredibly interesting.

It took Fred a second to come up with a reply. "Don't make this George's fault! You're the one who came onto him!" George nodded emphatically and looked back at Hermione with a "yeah!" sort of look.

"Well maybe if you weren't acting like a different person lately I'd have an easier time of telling you apart," Hermione retorted.

"Don't give me that!" Fred said, racking his brains for ways to make sure he won this particular battle; he was running low on comebacks.

"You know what, Fred? We're broken up at the moment, in case you haven't noticed," Hermione told him, folding her arms over her chest. "I can kiss anyone I want. I don't see how it's any of your business that I kissed George."

"Excuse me?" Fred said shrilly. Okay, now this was getting ridiculous.

"You heard me. So I meant to kiss you and got your twin instead. Oops, my bad!" Her lip curled into a sneer. "News flash: you don't own me."

"Like hell I don't!" Fred snapped. Lee gave him an incredulous look and Fred, realizing he was getting a bit too into character, toned it down a few notches. "You're my girlfriend!"

"I was your girlfriend!" Hermione yelled. "But I'm not now and I won't be again until you pull your head out of your ass!"

"I'll pull my head out of my ass when you do! And stay the hell away from my brother!" Fred shouted back.

"I can't help it if George is a good kisser!"

With that, Hermione grabbed her stuff and ran up the stairs to her room. Ginny gave her brothers a knowing smirk before chasing after Hermione with a faked look of I'm-the-best-friend concern.

"That could have gone better," George moaned as whispers broke out all over the room.

"I'll say," Lee muttered.

"Come on, guys," Fred said with a sigh. "Let's go regroup."

~*~

Harry watched as Fred, George and Lee headed back to their room, and then glanced up the staircase to the girls' dormitory. "Stay here," he told Ron firmly, and headed up to Hermione's room without a backwards glance.

Laughter met his ears as he neared the top of the spiral staircase. "Did you see his face?" he heard Ginny say.

"Forget him; did you see George's face?" Hermione replied through her laughter. "They're going to wish they'd never come to Hogwarts by the time I'm through."

Harry threw open the door, not bothering to knock. Ginny and Hermione, who were sitting on her bed, whipped around to face him with identical deer-in-the-headlights expressions. "Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "You're... you're not allowed in here..."

"Talk, Hermione," Harry said angrily. "Now."

"Um... about what?"

"Stop it, Hermione. We're your friends, and you're lying to us. Not to mention how upset Ron is over this whole thing. What's going on?"

Hermione sighed and explained. Harry listened, his expression impassive. "I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't know what to do. I just..."

"Hermione," Harry interrupted, "you should have told us. I can't vouch for Ron, but I'm pretty sure he'll be much more okay with this if he knows it's a sham."

"You think Ron will be happy that I plan to screw with his brother's head by kissing him?" Hermione said skeptically.

"No, but I think he'll feel a lot better knowing there was nothing and is nothing going on between you and Fred behind his back," Harry said bluntly. Then he added, "Our backs."

"Okay, I'll tell—" Hermione said, but Harry was already shouting for Ron to come upstairs.

Ron arrived in a few moments, looking bewildered and uncomfortable. "What?"

"Hermione has something to tell you," Harry said, giving Hermione a cool glance.

Hermione swallowed. "Ron, there was nothing going on between Fred and I, and there isn't anything going on now. I've been trying to get him back for lying and kissing me, and he's been fighting back."

Ron stared at her blankly for a good long while. "I'll kill him," he said finally, turning back towards the door.

"Ron!" Ginny exclaimed, grabbing Ron's arm. "Come on, sit down."

"He's started some big drawn out thing to smear my best friend's reputation," Ron snarled. "I'll kill him."

"Ron, stop it. We're going to play the game Fred's way," Harry said practically.

"Any ideas?" Hermione asked him hopefully.

Harry blushed, which made Hermione lean back, startled. "I may have a few," he admitted.

"I don't believe it," Fred complained. "That should have gone perfect."

"You underestimated her," George said with a sigh.

Fred glared at him. "So did you, buddy. Why don't you go make out with her in the library again and then talk to me about underestimating—"

George held up his hands in surrender. "Calm down. I didn't mean it like that." Fred nodded and gave him an apologetic look. "You know, maybe you should ask her out again."

"What?" Lee knitted his brow. "He never asked her out a first time. And why ask her out?"

"You know what I mean," George said impatiently. "Get a nice public confrontation where Fred asks her to go back out with him. Then she'll have to admit she was playing."

"Or she'll just say no," Lee said.

"Or she'll say yes to put me on the spot," Fred added. He rubbed his hand over his face. "My god, what am I doing? I'm contemplating asking a girl I've never dated to take me back."

"Life is weird like that," Lee joked.

"Well, should we give Operation Karma another shot in the morning?" George said.

"I don't know," Fred said, sighing as he got out his pajamas. "But this is getting to be a real pain."

"So give it up," Lee said with a shrug.

"Give up? Give up?!" George repeated, looking scandalized.

Fred stared at Lee indignantly. "What's with you, man? Give up, and admit defeat? To a girl? A girl without a humorous bone in her body? Are you mad?"

Lee shook his head. "No, but my two best friends are," he replied.

Fred grinned. "Got that right."

He crawled into bed and the three of them said their good nights to each other. Fred lay awake for a good long while, once again contemplating his problems with Hermione.

She was hot. She was hot and she was a damned good kisser. She was also really cool, and intelligent, and brave, and damn, was she a fast thinker. He'd expected her to be stumped as hell when he'd burst in yelling at her about kissing George; but no, she had turned the whole stupid thing back in his face; he'd had an urge to yell "Touché!"

And her kissing George... that had floored him. The moment she'd done it, he'd been overwhelmed with jealousy and a strong, irrational desire to murder his own twin, especially when George had pulled her onto his lap. Fred wanted her. He wanted her a lot.

He didn't know if George and Lee had picked up on his feelings—he knew George would sooner or later, and probably Lee also—but this wasn't about some stupid game. A part of Fred was hoping to have Hermione when their fight was over. A part of him was determined to win. To win not just the game, but her.

~*~

Once again, the halls were buzzing with talk. It no longer did Fred any good to pretend he was George; people wanted to question George just as much as Fred, if not more. The news that George had driven another wedge between Fred and Hermione spread like wildfire.

"You know, if this wasn't all bullshit, I'd probably feel awful," George told Fred jokingly. "I mean, I'm accidentally keeping you and your girlfriend apart."

"Oh shut up, George," Fred muttered.

They were sitting in the Great Hall, waiting on Lee and the girls to join them. Angelina, Alicia, and Katie had been demanding answers, only Fred, George, and Lee hadn't been too sure of what to tell them. They'd toyed with the idea of telling them nothing, but they'd been friends with the girls for almost seven years, and they knew better than to keep the girls in the dark for long (and they knew better than to think they could). However, they'd figured that this plan of theirs was going to take some time for the girls to get used to (in other words, Angelina, Alicia, and Katie were probably going to chew them out about it), and considering Lee had a bit more diplomacy than the twins, they'd decided to let Lee talk to the girls alone.

"I wish he'd hurry up," George said, checking his watch. "I want to be gone by the time Hermione shows."

"Afraid if she kisses you again, you'll shag her right here on the table?" Fred teased.

George gave him a mock-glare. "No, but I'm afraid you might."

Fred was still thinking of a witty reply when someone sat down across from him. His heart stopped as the fear that Hermione was once again about to instigate something swept over him, but as he whipped around, he found Harry, not Hermione. Ron was sitting next to Harry, across from George, both of them looking grim.

"Listen," Harry said with a sigh, "we've just come to tell you that you need to get over this nonsense with Hermione. Settle it, or agree to stay broken up, whatever. But you two can't stay mad at each other."

"Can't we?" Fred said. Doing his best to slip into the proper role, he added, "She made out with my brother, I think I have a right to be angry."

"Gee, I can't see how she could make such a mistake," Ron said dryly. "It's not like he looks exactly like you or anything."

Fred shot him a dirty look, but before he could reply, Harry cut him off. "Listen, Pig just brought us a letter from Mrs. Weasley. She's inviting me and Hermione to come spend the winter holidays with you all at the Burrow."

Fred blinked and let that settle in. "Uh-oh," was all he could think to say.

"Yeah, uh-oh," Harry said coldly. "If you want to carry out this thing with Hermione at the Burrow, see how long it'll be before Mrs. Weasley figures it out and demands an explanation."

"I can just picture the look on Mum's face when she figures out you've been shagging ‘Mione since last summer," Ron said with a smirk.

Fred stared back at them, stricken, suddenly feeling rather faint. "She'll kill me," he whispered. "She'll kill me a lot."

"Yep," Harry, Ron, and George said in unison.

"What am I going to do?" Fred moaned. He started to speak, started to say the truth, to tell them everything and just keep talking until they believed him. Nothing was worth facing his mother's wrath. He was reminded of years ago, during the summer holidays when Bill had been getting mildly frisky with his girlfriend and Mrs. Weasley had walked in on him. The screaming and scolding had gone on for hours and Bill had been grounded until the end of the summer.

He stopped himself before blurting out the truth, however. It was just what Hermione wanted, for him to spill. Besides, who said Mrs. Weasley had to find out what was going on? Hermione wouldn't tell her; she wanted to live just as much as Fred did. Ron might say something out of anger or jealousy, but... well, Fred could always just deny it if Ron squealed. Fred wasn't ready to lose the battle, not when the chances of Mrs. Weasley finding out and believing the lies were slim.

Fred's expression grew stony. "Well, I guess I'll have to work this out with her, then," he said, in a monotonous, blank voice. "I'll think of something."

Harry and Ron exchanged a look; then, without another word, they got up and left. "That was weird," George remarked thoughtfully.

"Do you think they're in on it?" Fred asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at Harry and Ron's retreating backs.

"No," George replied. "They acted too ticked off at us. They've been pissed for days."

"Yeah, you're right."

George nodded. "Of course I am. So... are you mad, or just a bloody idiot? Our dear old mum is going to tear you limb from limb."

"She'll never know," Fred told him firmly. "Even if she does find out, I can always come clean when she does. Then she won't kill me. She'll be angry, but I'll live."

George sighed. "We're going through way too much trouble for this."

"Come on, George, don't wimp out now. Tell you what, if you stick with me I'll let you pretend to be me for awhile so you can kiss her again, deal?"

"Oh, shut up."

Lee hadn't made it back to lunch by the time Fred and George had been forced to leave for fear of running into Hermione, so they met up on the way to Care of Magical Creatures, Lee filling them in quickly on the girls' opinions as they walked across the lawns.

"It's not good," Lee said flatly. "They think you're jackasses for pulling this. They hope Hermione kicks your ass. And they said don't bother trying to be chummy with them until you've stopped being prats."

"Yeah, that's about what I expected them to say," Fred said with a sigh. "Well, when it's all over and done with, we'll all have a good laugh and a butterbeer."

Lee laughed. "By the time this is all over, the entire thing's going to have become so backwards that George will be proposing to Hermione. I mean, this is all funny and everything, but—" Lee stopped. Fred had stopped walking, standing still with a shocked look of realization on his face. "What's with you?" he asked as he and George turned to stare.

"That's brilliant," Fred breathed. "It's bloody brilliant!"

"What's bloody brilliant?" Lee asked, staring at Fred with a careful sort of look, as though Fred might explode and Lee wanted to be prepared to run for the minimum safe distance.

"Oh, no. Not that look," George moaned. "That's the ‘epiphany look.' You've just gotten an idea for some crazy scheme that will at the very least have us facing detention until we graduate, and that's if we're lucky. Otherwise, it's off to Azkaban."

"Stop being so fatalistic," Fred said impatiently. "I've got a great idea!"

~*~

"Did they buy it?" Hermione asked in a low voice as she, Harry, and Ron sat in the back of their Charms class, practicing the day's spell.

"He almost cracked," Harry said, sighing. "He stopped himself just in time. Pity; Parvati and Lavender were nearby."

"We'll get him," Ron said. He smiled. "Maybe we should go give Fred our blessing or something, Harry. Say he has our full support in dating our best friend."

Harry chuckled. "Or maybe one of us should go up to him and say we have feelings for ‘Mione and want to know if he plans to stay broken up for good."

"Don't," Hermione warned them. "That could end the game, if he's smart. All he'd have to do is say ‘sure,' and then it would be over."

"Fred wouldn't do that, he's having too much fun. Besides," Ron said with a smile, "if he did that, we could have a big scene where Hermione says no to one of us because she's too in love with Fred. Or whichever one of us did it could go to Fred and start yelling about how Fred doesn't deserve Hermione—what's with you two?"

Both Harry and Hermione were staring at him in amazement. "That's an excellent idea, Ron!" Hermione breathed. "It'd work so perfectly!"

"Wait, I was kidding," Ron said quickly. "It was a joke."

"Think about it, Ron," Harry said slowly. "One of us asks Hermione out where everyone can hear us. The next day the same person goes chasing down Fred to yell at him... and then the day after that, the one who doesn't do it has a shouting match with Fred about it. You know—something along the lines of ‘you don't really care! You're just being selfish! Let someone who deserves her have a go! Watch your back!' That sort of thing."

Ron stared at his excited friends in disbelief. "You guys are kidding, right?"

"No! It'd be great!" Hermione said enthusiastically.

"No way!" Ron exclaimed.

"You don't have to do it, Ron," Harry said reluctantly. "I'll... I'll pretend to be the one with the crush. We'll get Ginny to do the yelling."

Ron sighed. "No... they've probably already figured out Ginny knows, Hermione tells her everything. If they do know, and she went and yelled at him, it would be it obvious that the whole thing was a ruse."

"And then they'd figure out you and Harry know," Hermione agreed, nodding. "Okay. So... are you up for it, Ron?"

Ron sighed again. "Why not?" he said, rolling his eyes. "Why not?"

~*~

Hermione split up from Harry and Ron after Charms, heading for Arithmancy. George gave Fred and Lee one last "I-don't-want-to-do-this-please-don't-make-me" look before heading after her.

Hermione was the only fifth-year Gryffindor who took Arithmancy; the class was one of the most difficult and as such usually the smallest and composed of students from all four houses. George saw Parvati's twin sister Padma waiting to enter the classroom and smiled; the news he was about to create would definitely be all over Hogwarts soon.

He watched as Hermione struck up a conversation with a couple of Ravenclaw girls George didn't know. Schooling his features into a half-embarrassed, half-hopeful expression, he cleared his throat.

"Hermione?"

She turned, rolled her eyes, and glared at him. "Hello Fred—oh, I mean George," she said, her voice dripping sarcasm.

George's blush had nothing to do with acting as several of the other Arithmancy students exchanged glances and whispers. "Um, can I talk to you for a second?" he asked hesitantly.

"No," Hermione said flatly. "Thanks to you, Fred and I still aren't speaking to each other."

George's shock at her actions was gone in an instant. If she wanted to play the crowd, fine, he could too, but he was more indignant about her words than worried about keeping their little fight going.

"Excuse me?" George said angrily. "Thanks to me? You kissed me! How exactly is that my fault?"

"You knew I thought you were Fred," Hermione said coldly.

"You should be able to tell us apart," George retorted. "You've known us for almost five years now. I know that you've probably had the lights off whenever you spent time with him over the past few months, but—"

"How dare you!" Hermione interrupted, ignoring the whispers and laughs George's remark had gotten from the other students. "If your brother wants to believe it's not your fault, fine, but don't even try to sell me that bull! You kissed me back, you pulled me onto your lap and you didn't even bother to try to tell me you were George! You let me think you were Fred!"

George sighed, trying to fight down his real feelings at her statement and get back to the short script he'd prepared. "I couldn't help it," he said sheepishly.

"You damned well could have helped it, and you know it," Hermione snarled.

"No I couldn't have!" he yelled, causing her to arch an eyebrow at him. "You don't know what it's like, hearing Fred talk about you all the time and having to bite my tongue because you're his girl!"

"What are you talking about?" Hermione demanded.

"Let me talk to you alone," George pleaded.

"No," Hermione said firmly.

George bit his lip. He knew that this would go a lot better in private, as far as getting back at Hermione was concerned, but he knew there would be benefits to having everyone else listening, too. "Fine," he said after a long pause. "Look, I kissed you back because I've been wanting to for years. And ever since this whole mess with Fred started I realized I'd probably never have a shot with you and when you kissed me I just stopped caring about Fred, okay? I have feelings for you. Happy now?"

Hermione simply stared at him in disbelief. George turned tail and ran, grinning.

It had worked.

~*~

"I think it was rather pathetic," Hermione told Ginny at breakfast the next morning as they waited for Harry and Ron to show up. "I mean, if that's all they can come up with, I might as well just assume victory now, you know?"

Ginny nodded slowly, looking uncomfortable. "Um, Herm? You do realize that George could have been telling the truth, right?"

Hermione froze, staring at Ginny, a forkful of eggs forgotten halfway to her mouth. "What?" Hermione stammered, confused.

Ginny blushed and toyed with her food absently, looking away. "Well... it's just, think about it. Why else would he have kissed you back?"

Hermione's jaw opened and closed several times before she managed to say, "Gin, there's no way in hell. Besides, Fred kisses back all the time. Why not George? He was just enjoying the moment."

"It's possible that he wasn't," Ginny said bluntly. "He may have a crush on you."

"Yeah, right," Hermione snorted. "Why wouldn't he have told me before now?"

"Why hasn't Ron? Or Neville?" Ginny responded.

Hermione paled visibly and still hadn't remembered the fork she was holding, but she still stubbornly shook her head. "Neville asked me to the Yule Ball."

"Yeah, as a friend," Ginny said, rolling her eyes. "And Ron still hasn't said anything. It took Viktor... what? Three months, and he had an excuse—a ball. Not to mention the fact that Viktor knew if you shot him down, he would only have to live with the rejection and humiliation for a few weeks until he went back to Durmstrang. It's quite possible that George just hasn't gotten the nerve to tell you before now. I mean, I saw him kiss Katie a couple of times, and it was never anything like what you said he did."

Hermione was struggling to find an argument. She at last realized her hand was still holding up a bite of food and popped it into her mouth to stall. "Wait—if this plan has been in their heads for awhile, they could've easily set me up to kiss him!" Hermione exclaimed triumphantly. "They came up with that ‘how-could-you-kiss-my-brother' scene in the common room awfully quick. Maybe it was already planned."

Ginny shook her head. "I don't think they could have planned you would mix up Fred and George. You never have before."

"Damn it, one stupid mistake and the next thing you know..." she grumbled.

Ginny giggled. "Well, let's worry about George later. For now, let's concentrate on Fred."

"Good plan," Hermione agreed.

Harry and Ron arrived just then, sliding onto the bench across from the girls. "Well?" Harry said eagerly.

"Well what?" Hermione said.

"When do we start phase two?" Ron asked impatiently. "Harry and I have some really good ideas for it."

"I thought you weren't too keen on the plan, Ron," Ginny said suspiciously.

"I wasn't, but this is going to be great," Ron told her, grinning mischievously. "I feel like... like I'm finally getting revenge on him and George for every annoying thing they've ever done."

"And for half the annoying things they're going to do in the future," Hermione said happily.

"Well, the seeds of doubt are definitely planted," Lee reported cheerfully as he met up with the twins outside the Great Hall, handing them various breakfast foods (the twins were avoiding Hermione as much as possible, which usually meant missing most of their meals).

"She bought it?" George said smugly.

"No, but Ginny seemed to think it was possible you were telling the truth," Lee replied, stuffing his Extendable Ear back into his pocket. "Unfortunately, Ginny suggested they worry about Fred for now and put George on hold."

"Damn—what else?" Fred asked.

"I left right around then, Harry and Ron came in and I was running out of time to get you breakfast."

"Well," George said as they headed up to Charms, "should we switch the focus back to Fred, or put the spotlight on yours truly?"

"Take your pick, considering we don't have a plan either way," Lee said.

"I think we should keep her confused," Fred said, shooting a dirty look at Lee.

"Well, then, any ideas?" Lee said bluntly. "How are we going to convince her that George likes her, and what are we going to do to keep the war going with her and Fred?"

"We could, I don't know, send her chocolates from George—" Fred began.

"Now you guys are spending money on this?" Lee said incredulously.

"Who said anything about money? That's what the kitchens are for," Fred replied.

"I don't think she'd eat anything I'd send her," George said, "she'd think they were jinxed."

"That's a great idea!" Fred exclaimed. "We'll put a love potion in some chocolates, and if she eats them... she just might eat them, you know—"

"Yeah, after she's had someone test them," Lee interrupted. "Like Lavender or Parvati, or Harry, or maybe even Ron or Ginny. Not that it wouldn't be... interesting, and really funny, but I don't think either of you want Harry or your brother or sister falling in love with you."

"Good point," George said. Fred nodded, grimacing. "You know," George went on thoughtfully, "this me-liking-her thing might not be the best of ideas. I mean, surely she'll figure out that there's no way in hell I'd do that to my twin brother."

"Actually, I think you're our best angle," Lee said. "She might think you really do like her... I mean, Hermione realizes you're not hurting Fred's feelings, she knows everything with Fred is bull, right?"

"Right," Fred said. George frowned, noticing the faintest of blushes on Fred's cheeks. Was something going on that his twin wasn't telling him about?

They finished their breakfast and went to Charms, waiting until Flitwick set them a spell to learn so they could talk without being overheard, which was even easier now, what with Angelina, Alicia, and Katie keeping their distance. "I have an idea," Fred told them. "What if we told her George and I had a fight?"

"She'd see through it," Lee said.

"Yeah... but what if we tell everyone else Fred and I had a fight?" George said excitedly.

"Then she'd still think you were just using it to get her to like George," Lee said.

"Not necessarily, she might get pushed more towards George... I mean, say George likes Hermione, but Fred and Hermione are pretending to be exes, so in the interest of making sure George can inconspicuously have a go with Hermione, Fred agrees to say he and George had a fight?" Fred mused.

"I'd say you're pretty good at the whole talking-about-yourself-in-third-person thing, but what would we do when we got together to plan?" Lee said. "You two couldn't be seen together."

"I could be forcing the Hermione war to a standstill, too," George said. "You know, keeping Fred from getting Hermione... and Fred can't fight me for Hermione without letting on that I'm shamming it..."

"This is making my head spin," Fred said, frowning. "All right, it's got kinks, but it might work... we'll save it for later, then, if we can get it to be flawless. In the mean time, why don't you go at her again, George? Maybe kiss her a little?"

George winced. "Fred, you've still got the bruise from where she kicked you outside Snape's classroom, and I'd kind of like to avoid getting one myself. She was an inch away from crushing your kneecap."

"You should go at her anyway," Lee said, rather reluctantly. "You both should... I don't know what we'll say if someone asks if Fred knows George likes her, but I think we should keep the two of you trying. George should get as little audience as he can manage, though, and I don't think the kissing thing matters."

"All right, then," George said, "I can do that. I'd like to point out, however, that you owe me for this, Fred. It's highly embarrassing."

"It's worth it," Fred said, an evil gleam in his eye. "It's time she learned an important lesson: No one messes with a Weasley."

~*~

Hermione had tried to keep herself surrounded by people, but unfortunately she had to go to Ancient Runes and Arithmancy, which neither Harry nor Ron took. She had to walk to and from both classes alone, unless by chance she happened to run into a Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw in the same class on the way, which was unusual. So George was able to catch her on the way to Ancient Runes the Tuesday after confronting her outside Arithmancy, and this time, they were completely alone; he'd been waiting for her in a secret passage.

Hermione stopped and stared at him coolly; the passage was too narrow for her to get by him without pushing him, and she preferred to keep her distance for the moment. "What is it, George?" she asked, sighing.

"I meant what I said, you know," George told her bluntly. "I have feelings for you."

"You expect me to believe that?" Hermione said, giving a derisive snort.

"It's true," George insisted. "I just... is there any chance at all you'd consider...?" He stopped, biting his lip, a blush creeping up his neck. God, this was embarrassing.

"First of all, I don't believe you," Hermione replied, "and second of all, things with Fred—"

"What things with Fred?" George demanded.

"I like him," Hermione said simply.

"Since when?" George asked, adopting a sullen face to keep up appearances.

"Since the last summer when we started going out," Hermione responded calmly.

George blinked. "That's rubbish, and you know it. You've never been with Fred..."

Hermione gave him a look of such utter surprise that George trailed off. "You mean, he's told you there's nothing between us?!" she said, looking slightly hurt.

"What are you talking about, I've known all along—"

"Oh," Hermione said, her tone becoming frosty. "I see. He'll let everyone know the truth but his own brother, will he?"

George knitted his eyebrows together. "You're not making sense."

Hermione threw up her hands in exasperation. "You honestly don't know?"

"Don't know what?" George demanded suspiciously.

Hermione gave him a long, searching look, then said, "George, I have been seeing Fred since last summer, don't you see?" Her face softened. "I'm sorry he didn't tell you—"

"Oh, come off it, Hermione," George laughed. "He'd have told me."

Hermione shook her head. "I didn't want anyone to know. I figured he'd tell you anyway, I mean, it's what I would've done... and after all I told my best friend..."

"Yeah, right, Fred's been shagging you for ages without telling me," George said, rolling his eyes.

Hermione nodded. "He has. Ginny's the only one who knows the truth, I suppose, though Harry probably suspects by now..."

"Uh-huh," George said skeptically. "So why are you so pissed at him, then?"

"Because he told everyone," Hermione said, still in a soft, kind tone, as though expecting him to be upset now that he knew and trying to comfort him in advance. "We'd both agreed not to tell anyone, and if anyone did find out we'd deny it. Back at the Burrow, it was because of Ron and because of your parents, but then it became about Hogwarts, you know, rumors and such... I mean, in the past few days I've had to deal with all sorts of annoying comments and gossip about me and Fred... plus there's Ron, too. I just... I hope you understand why he didn't tell you..."

George was silent for a short while, thinking it over, but he forced himself to remember that Fred was a lot more trustworthy than Hermione (at least, when it concerned George), especially at the moment. "Sorry, Hermione, but there's a few gaping holes in the story."

"Oh, come on, George, do you honestly think I'd kiss just anyone the way I kissed Fred? Well, Fred and you," she said, and she blushed. "I... I am sorry about that, I got confused, you know..."

"If he'd been lying since last summer about shagging you, why wouldn't he tell me the truth when he told Parvati and Lavender?" George demanded.

"I don't know," Hermione said, "you'll have to ask him that." She headed up the stairs to him. "I'm going to be late," she said, "I have to go..." She patted his arm as she passed.

George remembered quite suddenly that not too long ago, he'd wondered if Fred was keeping something from him... Lee had said "she knows everything with Fred is bull," and Fred had blushed a little... was it possible Fred really had been seeing Hermione under his very nose? Was it possible their little war wasn't some extended revenge for a practical joke, but an actual fight between girlfriend and boyfriend? Come to think of it, surely Hermione wouldn't kiss Fred like that, no matter the stakes... no one kissed that intimately as a joke, especially not a girl like Hermione...

George hurried off to Transfiguration, his mind full of questions.

"Have you gone mad?"

Fred, George, and Lee were in a secret passage; it was just after Transfiguration, and George had confronted Fred about what Hermione had told him. "NO I'm not shagging Hermione, I've never shagged Hermione, are you insane?" Fred roared. "Honestly, you think I wouldn't tell you something like that? Come on, if I was shagging her I'd be dying to tell someone, and it's not like I can't trust you and Lee! Have you gone mad?"

"You said that already," Lee pointed out. His face was twitching as he fought off a smile.

"She had a lot of good points," George said apologetically.

"She's the enemy!" Fred exploded. "She's a devious little prat!"

"I know, I'm sorry, I just got to thinking—"

"How could you believe her over me?" Fred demanded.

"She was really convincing!" George whined.

"Of course she was convincing, she's smart! She's an evil, tricky, heinous—"

"I'm sorry!" George exclaimed. "I just... she got me, it won't happen again..."

"Yeah, right," Lee said. "Admit it, you've both been hoodwinked by her, and we've yet to really get her."

"What, you think you could do better?" Fred said angrily.

"I doubt it," Lee said, looking exasperated, "I'm just saying she's far too manipulative for us, at least she has been so far. She's getting under our skin, driving us up the wall, and laughing at us behind our backs—"

"This from the guy who keeps telling us to call the whole thing off," George muttered.

"We just have to work harder," Lee said firmly, ignoring George's comment. "Before Hermione tears us apart and has us all lying at her feet."

"I'm going to get her for this," Fred snarled. "She almost turned my own twin brother against me! Ooh, just you wait, I'll make her pay! This means war!"

"This is already war," George pointed out.

"Then... then this means... this means... a really big war!"

Lee stared at him. "Um, Fred? When you say things like that, I can kind of understand how she's doing it. Calm down, okay? We'll get her."

"Too right we will," George said, his face darkening. "We owe her something fierce now. And I think I've got another idea."

~*~

Fred, George, and Lee didn't show up for dinner, so Hermione took advantage of their absence to whisper the story of what she'd done to George in the secret passage. "He looked really shell-shocked," Hermione said proudly to Harry, Ron and Ginny. They all laughed. "So I reckon we can wait awhile before going through with the next phase of our plan, you know, let it all sink in before Harry asks me out." She paused. "God, that's really weird to say."

They went back to the common room in high spirits, settling in to do their homework. "I'll be right back," Hermione said, "I need to feed Crookshanks..."

She hurried up to their dormitory and set about pouring cat food into Crookshanks's bowl on the floor by her bed, but before she could stand back up the door opened and closed behind her; she turned to see if it was Parvati or Lavender and instead found Fred with a very grim and angry look on his face. She nearly dropped the bag of cat food; she set it down hastily.

"Oh... hi," Hermione said awkwardly, very nervous all of a sudden.

"Been shagging since last summer, have we?" Fred said dangerously.

Hermione couldn't keep the smile off her face. "I couldn't help it, Fred, it was just too easy," she said smugly.

Fred advanced on her; Hermione backed up as he came, eventually finding herself against a wall. Fred stopped very, very close to her, glaring. Hermione fought to keep her expression mocking, which wasn't easy; part of her was dreading he would kiss her again, and part of her was hoping for it...

"You think it's funny, do you, turning my own twin against me?" Fred snarled. He placed his palms against the wall on either side of her head, boxing her in.

Hermione swallowed, but smiled and said, "Yes, yes I do."

"I don't," he snapped. "George had quite a few questions for me... like why a little goody-two-shoes like you would kiss like you do as part of a joke."

"All's fair in love, war, and Quidditch," Hermione said coolly.

"Is it?" Fred said, stepping even closer. "You want war, Hermione? I'll give you war."

"Ooh, I'm really scared—" Hermione started to say, but was cut off as Fred leaned in and kissed her once again.

Her eyes closed and she responded immediately; she had missed kissing him, she couldn't deny it. He was beyond good at it; her mind floated away happily, all thoughts of war and jokes and rumors disappearing. Her arms went around his neck of her own accord, and he grabbed her waist, pulling her tightly against him. Her heart started pounding madly at the feel of his body; only a few thin layers of cloth separated them, and Hermione found herself wishing there was nothing between them at all.

Fred backed up a little, then turned her to the side and stepped forward; she began to walk backwards without knowing where she was going, not caring in the slightest. Her knees hit something and buckled; she landed on her back on her bed, Fred on top of her. They continued to kiss, and Hermione considered finding the zipper on his robes and tugging it down—

—until the door swung open and hit the wall behind it with a bang.

Both Fred and Hermione looked up so fast they nearly got whiplash. Lavender and Parvati were standing in the doorway, their jaws nearly scraping the floor. Lavender recovered first. "Oh. My. God!" she shrieked, grabbing Parvati's arm and turning to leave. "Come on!"

Fred looked down at the mortified expression on Hermione's face and laughed. "Scared yet?" he teased.

Hermione was so horrified that it took her a second to realize what he was talking about. "You planned that?" she hissed.

"Sure did," he said, beaming. "Told George to give me a few seconds and then let slip that I was up here with you." He leaned down and kissed her neck. "What's say we keep at it for a little while longer, hmm? I'm sure someone else will be up shortly."

"Not bad," Hermione said grudgingly as Fred licked and kissed her neck. "Of course, it isn't as good as convincing George we'd been shagging behind his back, you know."

"There's plenty more where that came from," Fred whispered in her ear.

Hermione's eyes narrowed and she smiled mischievously. "Kiss me," she said.

"What?" Fred pulled back to look into her eyes.

"Kiss me," she repeated. "Please, while we're alone, I..." She trailed off, looking up at him pleadingly. Innocently, she shifted beneath him, making Fred tense slightly. Fred looked down at her lips, longing in his eyes, and he nodded slightly, then leaned down to kiss her again.

Ten seconds later, he jerked back up with a yelp of pain. Hermione had just driven her knee into his groin, hard. She shoved him off of her, and he curled up into a ball on her bed, his face screwed up with pain.

Hermione grinned at him as he glared up at her balefully. She bent over him, pecking an exaggerated kiss on his cheek, and said, "No, Fred, I'm not scared yet at all."

With that, she flounced out of the dormitory.

"That's it," Fred choked out. "She's dead."

~*~

Harry, Ron, and Ginny were waiting for her in the common room with rather resigned expressions on their faces. She beamed when they saw them; all three of them raised their eyebrows in unison.

"You were caught having sex with Fred, did you know?" Ginny said as Hermione sat back down.

"Yeah, I knew." Seeing the looks on her three friends' faces, she added, "Oh, come off it, we were not having sex—"

"What were you doing?" Ron interrupted, giving her a stern look.

"Kissing," Hermione said, her cheeks tinged pink. "Just kissing... on the, um, bed. While laying down."

Ginny shuddered. "Pity it's my brother, or I'd ask for details."

"There are no details," Hermione said firmly.

Harry gave her a rather pointed look. "Well, you were smiling like you'd just had the time of your life when you walked down the stairs—and you've got an enormous hickey on your neck."

Hermione's eyes widened and she let out a little squeak of horror; she pulled out her wand and quickly tapped the side of her neck with it so that the mark vanished.

"Where'd you learn that spell, Hermione?" George called loudly from across the room.

Hermione whipped round to glare at him. "I learned it from Fred—or perhaps it was you. So hard to tell you apart."

"Good to know I haven't kept you and Fred apart for long," George said, smirking.

"I expect we'll be apart for a good long while," Hermione shot back. "The poor dear's gone and gotten himself injured in a most bothersome way."

George's eyes widened with nervousness before narrowing at her. "Wore him out, did you? Only reason you care about him, is it?"

"If I wanted an impotent Weasley twin, I'd have gone out with you," Hermione shot back, her temper rising uncontrollably.

"Time to make an exit," Harry hissed, looking around at the common room full of Gryffindors watching with interest.

"I can't, he's in my dormitory," Hermione whispered as several people jeered or laughed.

George gave her a cold smile. "That's not what you said last night," he said smugly.

"This is getting gross," Ron muttered, making a face.

"No, what I said last night was—" Hermione began hotly, then stopped, grinning. "Why, hello, Fred."

Fred had just appeared at the bottom of the girls' staircase. He glared at her, marched stiffly over to George and Lee, and dragged them off towards the boys' dormitories. Hermione could have sworn she heard him say the word "regroup."

George watched as Hermione became angrier and angrier, wondering just what had happened up in the dormitory. She'd looked rather pleased with herself when she'd come down; George feverishly hoped his twin was still alive and capable of moving all his limbs. Hermione's hair had been messed up, and the hickey on her neck was rather large—at least, it had been before she'd concealed it. Maybe he'd get a chance to break that charm tomorrow, hopefully without her noticing...

"Why, hello, Fred," Hermione said smoothly, her eyes glinting with satisfaction as Fred entered the common room.

Fred didn't answer; he headed briskly over to George and Lee, grabbed their arms, and strode over towards their dorm. "Time to regroup," he muttered, his eyes squinted with pain.

The moment they entered their dormitory, Fred collapsed on his bed. "Oh, shit, that hurt," he groaned. "I'm starting to feel sorry for You-Know-Who in advance; the guy won't know what hit him when Harry, Ron and Hermione finally face him..."

"Kicked in the crotch, eh?" Lee said wisely.

Fred nodded. "Kneed, actually, the little bint," he growled. "I swear, I'm gonna kill her—"

"Foiled again," George said sadly.

"No, actually," Fred told him, "everything went pretty well, considering." He opened a drawer in his nightstand, pulled out a pain-killing potion he kept around for Quidditch aches and pains, diluted it in a glass of water and gulped some down. "I mean, it all worked out like we planned, Parvati and Lavender came in while I was on top of her on the bed—clothed," he added with a glare as George smirked and Lee suppressed a smile— "and Hermione was absolutely mortified... did anyone see her neck? I thought it'd be a nice touch."

"Loads of people," George said, explaining his little fight with Hermione.

"Good," Fred said when he'd finished, "that's really good... it all went perfect..."

"Except for what went wrong," Lee pointed out, amused. "How'd you end up injured?"

"She tricked me," Fred admitted reluctantly, "caught me off guard and the next thing I know I'm in the fetal position. Still, I think I got her better, you know?"

"Unless you count that impotent crack she made in front of the entire common room," George said, nodding pleasantly. Fred gave him a dirty look.

"Well," Lee said, "this was good. We finally got her, even if she got us back..."

"She didn't do that well," George said, "I mean, with any luck, Fred'll still be able to get her pregnant when they're finally ready to start a family—"

"Oh, shut up," Fred muttered.

~*~

The whole school was once again discussing Fred and Hermione; they even seemed to know that Hermione had kneed him in groin at some point, which made Fred even more determined to get Hermione once and for all. George's resolve was also increased; thanks to his little chat with Hermione in front of the common room, particularly the parts about "last night," everyone seemed to think that he'd slept with Hermione as well, especially given the fact that he'd kissed Hermione and claimed to have a crush on her. Even Lee was getting into the fight more, both from amusement and loyalty to his friends.

Unfortunately, they were currently at a stalemate. Fred, George, and Lee were out of ideas, and Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny had decided to wait until after the Christmas holidays, to avoid having any problems while in the same house as Mrs. Weasley. Both sides were panicked, therefore, when Fred and Hermione received identical notices proclaiming another detention on December 12.

Neither side was very successful in the planning department, and they were forced to just show up, each unprepared for the other. They eyed one another warily as Filch told them to scrub the desktops, floors, and windows in Snape's classroom without magic.

"This is all your fault," Hermione said sullenly as she dunked a sponge in the soapy water and made to clean off a desk.

"My fault? We got detention again because you kissed me, remember?" Fred shot back.

"You still started it, and you know it," Hermione replied, scrubbing hard at a bit of congealed potion.

"I was trying to be nice and carry you upstairs," Fred snapped, slapping his rag so hard on Snape's desk that water went flying. "If I'd known you were going to torment me for the rest of my—"

"Torment you?" Hermione demanded shrilly. "Torment you? Excuse me?"

"You're driving me mad!" Fred shouted. "Rumors and questions and plotting against you, oh yes, we're still plotting, even though George is starting to figure out that all I want to do is kiss you senseless and—" He stopped, quite mortified. Hermione glared at him, uncertain of whether or not to believe him, and bent low over the next desk.

"Don't you try to ignore me!" Fred yelled suddenly. "I've had it! It's true, I'm mad about you, but don't you worry, I'll get you out of my head if it's the last thing I do!" He waved his rag wildly through the air for emphasis... and a bunch of soapy water hit Hermione squarely in the face.

There was utter silence as Fred stared at her, realizing he'd gone too far, even though it had been unintentional; Hermione was furious, glowering at him with water dripping off her face and onto her low-cut white sweater...

"AAAAHHHH!" Hermione shrieked, running at him, waving her sponge in wild circles in front of her, water flying everywhere as Fred took off, getting soaked. Fred grabbed one of the buckets, Hermione the other, and an all-out water war ensued.

The two of them chased each other like a pair of angry lions, both of them soon sopping wet and slipping in the suds covering the floor. At one point, Fred pushed himself backward and went sliding all the way across the floor down the center aisle, twirling the rag in front of him in a figure eight motion until it blurred before him, fending off Hermione. Hermione, who was looking both bedraggled and frightening, went skidding after him as she flung the sponge back and forth through the air, letting out guttural howls of rage and splattering him with water.

Fred's back slammed against Snape's desk; not having paid much attention to where he was going, he found himself with nowhere to go as Hermione came ever closer. Desperately, he pushed himself up until he was sitting on the desk and flung what remained in his bucket of water at her, the bucket flying off to the side and a load of water washing over her.

Hermione kept coming; she looked beyond deranged, like some drowned vengeance goddess, completely drenched and with a terrifying, crazed look on her face, her arm straight with the sponge aiming directly at his face as she glided ever closer. Not wanting to find out what it felt like to have a sponge slammed into his face by a girl sliding quickly at him with no intention or ability to stop, he desperately grabbed for her arm and closed his knees in front of him to keep her from getting too close.

It worked; his legs stopped her body and his fingers managed to stop the sponge inches from his face. Enraged at being thwarted, Hermione took her bucket, which was still in her sponge-free hand, and turned it over on Fred's head, water gushing out and soaking him thoroughly, splashing onto the desk and onto Hermione, the bucket's handle a few times thwacking against Hermione's captured arm as the bucket came to a stop on Fred's head.

This left Fred without anything much to say.

Fred stared wretchedly at the sponge just in front of him, trapped under the bucket with his head, still clenched tightly in Hermione's fingers, the edge of the bucket propped on his hand around her wrist. Well, he thought sadly, this is what I get for being a troublemaker all my life. I'm sitting on my least favorite teacher's desk, supposed to be serving detention. I've trashed the room with an impromptu water fight and there's a sponge about to be rammed in my face and a bucket on my head. You know what, God? Whatever I did to deserve this, I'm sorry.

Hermione's fingers opened suddenly, dropping the sponge into his lap, which wasn't an improvement and gave him a few more self-pitying thoughts. Fred slowly lifted up his free hand and took the bucket off his head, letting it fall off the desk behind him with a clatter.

Hermione was staring at him with a horrified look on her face, as though she hadn't realized she was capable of such a thing, as though she had done something purely accidental to land him in such a position. Fred stared at her wearily, as if asking her to end his misery, and her lips twitched with amusement.

"You think this is funny?" he said, giving her a disbelieving look.

Hermione burst into fits of laughter and nodded. Fred's eyes narrowed.

"You think this is funny, do you?" he repeated dangerously. "We've just flooded the classroom—Snape's classroom, of all the classrooms in the castle we flooded Snape's—and you think it's funny?" She nodded again, unable to speak. "We're going to be killed, or at the very least expelled, and you... you dump a bucket on my head and start laughing?!"

"Bucket... head..." Hermione gasped out through her laughter. She gripped the edge of the desk with her free hand, sliding a little on the soapy floor and continuing to laugh her head off. Fred glared at her for all of three seconds before he burst out laughing too; he couldn't seem to stop, it was hysterical, they'd just had the funniest fight he could remember having... wait till he told George and Lee, this was just sad...

Hermione slipped again, and Fred reflexively dived forward and threw his arms around her to keep her from falling. Their eyes met... and Fred abruptly reached down, grabbed her waist, and pulled her onto the desk with him, Hermione sitting on him, their lips meeting feverishly for a wet, soapy kiss, and then an outraged bellow sounded from the doorway—

"GET OFF MY DESK!"

"Harry! Harry, wake up!"

Harry rolled over to see someone standing over him. He quickly put on his glasses and Hermione came into sharp focus, dripping with water, which amongst other things made her white shirt somewhat transparent; he hastily looked away before she could see he was looking.

"Hermione?" Harry said stupidly. "Have you been swimming?"

"No," Hermione said miserably. "I... I need someone to talk to; can you come down to the common room?"

"Yeah, sure," Harry said, sitting up; the next day was Saturday, so he could sleep in tomorrow anyway. "Want me to wake Ron?"

"Yeah, thanks—I still want to go wake Ginny, and I'll need to change—"

"Hermione?" Ron called, having just woken up on his own. "Why're you all wet?"

"It's a long story," she said pitifully. "Come down to the common room, I'll tell you."

A short while later, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny were sitting by the fire in the common room, Hermione now dry except for her hair as her story came to a close.

"—So then Snape walks in, and yells ‘get off my desk!' and I jump down, nearly break my neck sliding in the mess we've made, and the sponge I've been sitting on is clamped between my legs—it's not funny!" she said for the fifteenth time as her three friends laughed. "I was so mortified... I'm just glad he didn't see the whole thing, we must've looked insane as we went skating down the center aisle, and Fred was so... I don't know, mournful-looking with that bucket on his head..." She sighed and trailed off, the others still laughing. "Oh, okay, I suppose that part is funny... but anyway, so then Snape pulls out his wand, and we're both just waiting for us to jinx us, but then he just tells us to get out and he starts towards us, right? Well, he slips in the water, lands on his back, goes scooting across the floor and nearly crashes into the wall! He was glaring at us and we were trying hard not to laugh, but he just roared for us to report straight to Professor McGonagall. Fred and I ran off, almost killed ourselves slipping in that water—we could hear Snape cleaning up with a few spells—and then we went up to McGonagall's office, both of us dripping wet. She shows up in her dressing gown, looking livid, I thought we were expelled for sure... yelled for ages and ages and then she finally gave us our punishment—"

"What did you get, more detention?" Ron asked.

"A week's worth," Hermione said glumly. "And she said that if Fred and I need some sort of lesson in keeping our hands off each other to get our detentions done, she'll keep us in detention until we've learned it, even if it takes all of next term."

"Ouch," Harry said sympathetically.

"Yeah... and then, get this, she dismisses Fred but holds me back, closes the door and starts laughing her head off!"

"No!" Harry, Ron and Ginny gasped.

"McGonagall?" Ginny said.

"Laughing?" Ron said dubiously.

Hermione nodded grimly. "She said she had no idea I'd be taking her advice so dearly to heart," she said. "Apparently she's been keeping tabs, her and a few of the other teachers who've found it amusing... and she asked to hear all about it from me. I told her almost everything, she laughed herself sick, if I hadn't been so embarrassed it would've been great—"

"That's amazing," Ron breathed. "McGonagall, laughing, and encouraging mayhem?"

"We've seen her do similar things before," Harry pointed out.

Hermione nodded. "I get the feeling the teachers find us greatly amusing, all the students you know, like a television show—er, like a very interesting book," she amended at Ron and Ginny's confused expressions. "They don't have as much to gossip about themselves, you know, things wind down when you're in your thirties and forties, I guess, so they talk about us all the time—she said the teachers talk about you guys and me and the Weasley twins in particular, says we always are the funniest. I'm assuming a lot of people are going to be laughing themselves silly in the staff room come tomorrow. McGonagall certainly thought I was a riot... and then she sent me off to bed, and I just wanted to die, I really did..."

"Did she let you out of detention?" Ginny asked hopefully.

"No, of course not, you know what she's like," Hermione said with a sigh. "She did give me five points for Gryffindor, though."

"What? What for?" Harry asked, surprised.

"For giving her something to tease Snape about," Hermione said, sighing pitifully. "She's always looking for a reason—you know how they are, always arguing, apparently they're really good friends, they just compete and bicker a lot—and she thanked me for making it possible for her to make cracks about students doing naughty things on his desk."

"You poor dear," Ginny said, patting her arm.

~*~

"I really couldn't believe it," Fred was saying furiously to George and Lee. "I mean, after all that, it turns out she's taking her cue from McGonagall? Professor Stick-up-the-ass? She was just laughing her heart out, at my expense, while Hermione told her everything in this sheepish little voice. I could've killed her, think I would've if I'd been in the same room—"

"To tell you the truth, Fred, I think the whole bucket-on-your-head thing was a tad worse," George said, trying desperately not to laugh. "They're two of a kind, after all, Hermione and McGonagall..."

"Yeah, well, I'm going to get her for this," Fred raged, rubbing his towel over his hair again. "Talk about rude... getting me caught by Snape... the look in his eyes when he saw us, when he walked towards us, Hermione with a sponge between her legs and me with a rag still in my hand, water everywhere..."

"Look on the bright side," Lee said, "you'll never have to clean Snape's room again."

"Stroke of genius, too, telling her you had a crush on her," George added.

Fred blushed, but thankfully George couldn't see his face, obscured as it was by the towel. "Yeah... well... I'm not sure she believed me, though she didn't certainly didn't have any objections when we kissed."

"Like I said when this whole mess started—maybe she does like you," George said. "Remember? Maybe she's trying to get you to like her by turning you on."

"So far all she's done is give me loads of trouble and a bucket on my head," Fred said sourly.

"Well, here's something to cheer you up," George said, "Errol showed up with a letter from Mum while you were in detention, and she says that Bill and Charlie are coming for Christmas, I'm sure they'll have loads of ideas for us—"

"Unless they take Hermione's side," Lee said.

"Ginny's always been Bill's favorite," Fred pointed out, "Bill's almost like a father to her."

"Yeah, well, you know what Bill's like, even if he helps Ginny he'll still help us, more likely than not," George replied. "And Charlie usually tries to avoid taking sides."

"Well, keep me posted over Christmas," Lee said. "I expect Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny will call an unofficial truce while you're at the Burrow, given how scary your mum can be."

"Maybe your mum will let you come over this Christmas, too," Fred said hopefully.

"Nah, I already asked," Lee replied; he asked his mother if he could spend the holidays with Fred and George all the time, but she didn't often let him, as she placed large significance on family at Christmas and Easter. "It's my last year, you know, the last time she can force me to come home for Christmas, I expect I'll have to go home for Easter, too." He sighed dismally; he loved his family, but he had a lot of relatives who all came by for the holidays, and the gatherings had a tendency to go horribly wrong. "Any luck, though, and this time Aunt Lisa will drink enough to pass out before she can get into a row with Mum again.

"Well, good luck," George said. "We'll send you loads of owls... er, though you might want to send yours over first so we can just send you our replies; Errol's still out cold from bringing Mum's letter, Hagrid's looking after him..."

"Let us know if you come up with anything, too, ask some of those evil cousins of yours," Fred added, lying down to go to sleep. "I'm going to make her suffer."

As Fred lay awake, trying to sleep, it was not thoughts of revenge that filled his mind, however, but rather questions about when he would get to kiss Hermione again.

Fred, George, and Lee had an advantage over Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny during the next week; Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were concerned with end-of-term exams, especially considering their study habits had been rather neglected during the fight, yet only Lee gave the exams a second thought on the other end. The three of them spent a good deal of time working on the Fred-and-George-having-a-fight angle, and were working out a good deal of the problems with it.

Then, however, came the moment that filled all seven of them with extreme dread: they all boarded the Hogwarts Express to head back to King's Cross, Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny bound for the Burrow and Lee for his own home.

After a tense train ride, in which both sides separately made hurried plans in case the other side didn't let things lie under Mrs. Weasley's watchful eyes, they found Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, as well as Bill and Charlie, waiting for them on the platform.

They were forced to take the Knight Bus back to the Burrow, which they hailed in an alley not far from the train station. The bus was crowded enough that they had to split up; Mrs. Weasley, not realizing that something had set the twins against the others, took Mr. Weasley, Ginny and Bill up to the top level, while Harry, Ron, and Hermione were left on the second with the twins and Charlie.

As they finished paying for their tickets, Fred couldn't resist a quick go at Hermione. "Perhaps we should carry on here?" Fred said casually, smirking when she blushed.

"No, I don't think so," Hermione said, glaring at him as she sat stiffly in her chair; none of them wanted to speak plainly in front of Charlie just yet.

"Are you sure? Might be quite—yah!" Fred broke off with a yelp as the bus gave a loud BANG and lurched. Harry was able to prevent falling by grabbing hold of whatever he could, and so did Charlie, who'd ridden the bus before, and Hermione and Ron, who'd been warned about the bus by Harry, but the twins weren't prepared and went flying.

The bus teleported all over Great Britain, letting off other passengers and picking up a few more. The twins had taken the others' lead and seized candle brackets sticking out of the wall, glaring at the smug looks on the others' faces.

All of them were rather green by the time the Knight Bus teleported to the Burrow, the shed jumping aside for the speeding bus. "How'd it go?" Ginny whispered eagerly as they met up in the yard.

"Fine, actually," Hermione said, narrowing her eyes at Fred and George.

"Whew, that's a relief... that bus is something else, I spent the entire time gripping the overhead bar with my feet braced against the window, imagine I looked like a monkey..."

"Yeah, but it's the safest way to ride," Bill said, smiling.

"Bill taught me the trick," Ginny said happily, "he was doing the same thing... bit uncomfortable, but better than getting thrown around."

"Taught her everything I know," Bill said, throwing his arm around Ginny's shoulders; the two looked pleased to be in each other's company again.

Fred and George took one look at Bill and Ginny and the pair of them made a beeline for Charlie, grabbing his arms and marching him towards the house.

"Charlie, buddy, how've you been—"

"—we've got a load of things to ask you about—"

"—come on up to our room, let's have a chat—"

"That can't be good," Bill said suspiciously, frowning as Charlie shot Bill a nervous look over his shoulder while the twins dragged him to the house. Bill turned to Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny as Mr. and Mrs. Weasley followed the twins and Charlie inside. "Do you lot know what's up with them?"

"Unfortunately, yes," Hermione said dryly.

"We need your help with something, Bill," Ginny said, leading him farther from the house.

"Anytime, Gin—what's going on?"

~*~

"It's not funny," Hermione whined for the twentieth time as Bill laughed his head off.

"Yes it is!" Bill roared. "Oh, my god!"

Night had fallen; they were sitting outside by the pond, where they'd been since their arrival, minus a short time taken to eat dinner. Bill had put a charm on them to keep them warm (as the others couldn't do magic outside of school), and they'd just finished telling him the whole story, up to the water fight.

"I can just see Fred sitting there all morosely with a bucket on his head," Bill choked out, tears of laughter streaming down his face.

"It was all I could think to do," Hermione said crossly. "Obviously, I was out of ideas—I was fighting with a sponge, for pity's sake, and when he stopped me from bashing it into his face I was absolutely furious—"

"Hey, Madam Pomfrey?" Ginny said in a remarkable impression of Fred. "Could you help me, I've had my nose broken by a sponge..."

They all laughed, even Hermione. "So," Hermione said finally, "you'll help us think of ideas?"

"Are you kidding?" Bill gasped out through his laughter. "I was the biggest troublemaker of a Head Boy since James Potter, of course I will! This is absolutely hysterical... You keep this up and Ginny won't get the title of ‘Head Girl Who Broke the Most Rules.'" Hermione's face turned slightly pink. "Let's see... ideas... hmm... I suppose first we'd better find out what their ideas are," Bill said thoughtfully.

"How?" Harry asked, frowning.

"Charlie, of course—he'll know everything from the twins' viewpoint by now and he'll tell me just as soon as I ask..."

"No," Hermione said firmly. Everyone turned to look at her in surprise. "I don't want to know his plans. I want to beat him fairly."

"Fairly?" Ron repeated. "This whole thing has been a bunch of dirty tricks, ‘Mione; it's eye for an eye now—"

"You know what I mean," she said impatiently. "I don't want to know their plans, and I don't want him to know ours." She gave Bill a stern look; he held up his hands and nodded.

"Tell you what," he said, "me and Charlie will figure out what the other one knows, but we'll each keep it from the other side, okay? I'll tell Charlie what I know, and he'll keep it from the twins, and vice versa. That'll let me give you lot good advice without overstepping the lines."

"You're sure Charlie's trustworthy?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

"Of course he is," Ginny said. She grinned up at her eldest brother fondly. "More so than Bill, actually. The two of them are partners in crime; back when they were at Hogwarts they wreaked almost as much havoc as Fred and George."

"They were just a bit more careful about getting caught," Ron said. "Bill was really good at it—Charlie got caught occasionally, though... not as bad as the twins, but enough... they were the ones that got the twins where they are now, really—"

"So I've you to thank for this mess?" Hermione said teasingly to Bill.

Bill held up his hands again in mock surrender. "I may have taught them a thing or two... quite the prodigies, they are." He smiled reminiscently. "I've got a fair idea of how their minds work, believe you me—you were right to come to me for this, guys, Charlie and I'll have them eating out of your hands."

~*~

Long after Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny had gone to bed, Bill and Charlie stayed up talking while lounging in their beds in Percy's old room (Percy had moved out to live in London, closer to the Ministry). The room had been bewitched to be soundproof (a necessity, as much to stop them waking everyone with their laughter as to prevent eavesdropping). "So what do you reckon?" Bill asked as they finished telling each other all they'd learned during the day. "I was surprised to hear all the things Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Gin came up with, considering Harry, Ron, and Hermione's image—but then, Harry and Ron are a bit like watered-down versions of us, and Hermione's a female Fred hiding inside a Percy. Wasn't a bit surprised that Ginny was in it, though," he added proudly.

"To tell you the truth, I think the twins didn't tell me everything," Charlie said thoughtfully. "I mean, they told me all they'd done, but I think they've still got a few secrets... and I'm starting to think Fred actually likes Hermione."

"No?" Bill said eagerly, sitting up.

"Maybe," Charlie replied, grinning widely.

"Well, that'd be interesting," Bill said mischievously.

"I wouldn't be surprised, either, from what both of them say about her," Charlie said, grinning. "Been driving them mad, she has. They're both about to lose it. Doubt George likes her, though, at least not yet."

"Neither of them will admit anything, eh?" Bill said.

"Of course not—you know, in all our mind-poisoning we seemed to have forgotten to teach those two a couple of key lessons on girls."

"I don't know, they did pretty well up until now," Bill said fairly. "From what Ginny's been saying, anyway—Ron's the one we've got to worry about, the kid's quickly becoming an idiot in the girl department... but enough of that, whose side are we going to stick on?"

"Why stick on a side at all?" Charlie said carelessly. "I'd say Hermione's got every right to retaliate after the spot our dear little brother put her in, and the twins have every right to keep it going now that she has retaliated—what guy could take that lying down? Anyway, I think it'd be much more fun to get things rolling for both of them... set them at each other..."

"Kind of evil of us," Bill said. He smiled. "I like it."

"Bill wouldn't agree to help?" Fred said indignantly, staring up at Charlie in shock.

"Nope," Charlie said, sighing.

"How rude," George growled. "He's our brother, not Hermione's..."

"He's Ron and Ginny's brother, too," Charlie pointed out, "but not to worry—as far as Weasleys it's still three on three—"

"But they've got Harry and Hermione, too," Fred said irritably.

"Yeah, well, you two have Lee, and he's worth the both of them, he's done loads to further your work," Charlie reminded them. "Besides, I've still got tons of information, before he said he wasn't helping you two he told me everything they've been saying, so I've got plenty of ideas to help you two—"

~*~

"Charlie in?" Ron asked as he walked with Harry, Hermione, Bill, and Ginny out towards the hill, dragging a sled.

"Of course Charlie's in, he couldn't wait to get the ball rolling," Bill said. "He's confusing Fred and George as we speak."

"Good," Harry said. "So what's the plan?"

"Well, your main goals are to get Fred to admit he was lying from the start and to fake him out, confuse him, and ultimately take him down, correct?"

"You forgot ‘tease' him," Ginny said, nudging Hermione in the ribs and grinning. Hermione shot her a dirty look; she was already in a somewhat bad mood, as—thanks to a skiing accident when she was ten—she'd hated all forms of winter sports, including sleds, but after much berating she'd agreed to go sledding with the others on the old, battered Muggle sled that Mr. Weasley had bought and improved years ago.

"And ignoring Ginny, we move on," Hermione said dryly. "There's a problem with goal number one—I'm not sure anyone would believe he was lying from the start now, even if he said it they'd probably think someone had put him up to it, that it wasn't true—"

"Charlie and I thought so, too," Bill said. Ginny and Harry nodded. Ron grunted, giving the sled a sharp pull. "So you'll have to content yourself with embarrassing him as much as he's embarrassed you, right? Well, there are several ways I think will be effective... and you do have a very good idea going with the whole Harry asking Hermione out and Ron yelling at Fred, but there's a few more things... a few of which you might find a little, ah, embarrassing, but—"

~*~

"See, the thing that's going to trip her up is that Harry and Ron aren't in on it," Charlie said, "they just think they are—she's getting their help to plot revenge on you, but they think you actually were going out with her and everything. Ginny knows the truth, though, which is another thing that'll play into your hands—Hermione's known Harry and Ron longer, but she's put her trust and confidence in Ginny."

"Good thinking," Fred said slowly. Fred, George, and Charlie were trailing behind Harry, Ron, Hermione, Bill and Ginny as the five of them headed up the hill with the sled. Fred glared as the five of them laughed uproariously at something. "Ooh, just wait... I'm going to make her suffer..."

"You know," George said thoughtfully, "keeping things quiet around Mum's a good idea and all—but I reckon there are other, safer ways to annoy them right now. We can use magic, after all, and they can't..."

"Bill can," Charlie said quickly, "and he'll kill you if you hit him—"

"He doesn't have to know, does he?" said Fred, pulling out his wand as the small group reached the top of the hill and climbed into the sled.

~*~

"Hop in, then," Bill said, sitting down at the back of the sled, Ginny in front of him, then Harry, Hermione, and finally Ron. The sled had been bewitched by Mr. Weasley, so that it was much larger, went faster and farther, and had seat belts (added by Mrs. Weasley once she realized what the sled did). They buckled up and Bill pulled out his wand, tapping the edge of the sled. It started to move forward, but just as Bill stowed his wand back inside his jacket the sled went flying backwards as fast as a bullet; the five of them went sliding at an alarming rate back down the hill and off towards the village of Ottery St. Catchpole.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Hermione screamed in terror.

"Bill! What did you do?!" Ginny yelled.

"Nothing!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"Stop screaming in my ear, Hermione!" Ron moaned.

"This is great!" Harry exclaimed, grinning.

"Someone stop this thing!"

"Bill! Fix it!"

"I can't! It won't work!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

A group of children having a snowball fight dived out of the way as the out-of-control sled blew towards Ottery St. Catchpole; they reached the outskirts of the village and kept going, down snow-covered streets and past rows of buildings.

"Abandon sled!"

"No! We're moving too fast!"

"So slow it down!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"Hermione, stop yelling!"

"I HATE SLEDS!"

"This stupid thing's been jinxed!"

"Gee, do you think?!"

"We're all gonna die!"

"We'll have to use magic—"

"We can't, we'll be expelled—"

"This is a life-threatening situation—"

"We don't know that—"

"YES WE DO! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh—"

"That's not funny!"

"Tree!" shouted Bill, who was staring behind them, trying to keep an eye out for obstacles. "TREE! EVERYBODY LEAN LEFT!"

They threw their bodies to the left (Harry grabbed the hysterical Hermione and pushed her to the side), and the sled banked and turned left at a three-way intersection, nearly plowing into a gaggle of women exiting a shop. "Finite," Bill yelled, whacking the sled with