It only hurts when I’m breathing...

What if it stops hurting faster than you think...?


In those few hours he'd learned a lot.

That he could be an inconsiderate idiot towards other people when he was hurt himself.
That country music only healed a certain amount of pain before it started causing it.
That scenes where the good guy saves the life of the girl don't always end with a kiss.
That after a time watching your crush with someone you hate can become watching your friend with someone who makes her happy.

And here he was now, at the Spring Fling.
Watching Buffy dance with Angel.
He had to admit they looked good together.
They had that whole blond/brown, tiny/tall, beautiful/handsome thing going for them.
And yeah, Xander's hair was brown. And he was tall. And some might even say he was handsome.
But Angel's shoulders were just that much broader, his eyes that much darker, his hair that much more stylish and his pulse that much less... beating.

What?
He was happy for Buffy. Really.
It was good seeing her happy again after everything that had happened earlier. Just a few hours ago, she was dead and now here she was, smiling again.
Even if it wasn't because of him.
But that didn't mean he had to stop being snarky, right?
Nor did it mean he had to stop having fun either, he noted with a certain satisfaction

He danced alone and he danced with Willow, in between trying to convince Giles to dance with Miss Calendar and he smiled as Willow led him quietly away when Giles finally got over himself long enough to ask her.
He even danced with Buffy every now and again and about every other person that turned his way on the dance floor and didn't seem to be there with someone else.
After some complicate twists and turns he found himself face to face with Angel, which was where he drew the line but other than that Xander was having a great time.
And when midnight arrived and the Bronze emptied and Giles drove away with Miss Calendar and Buffy took off with Angel supposedly to patrol leaving him standing alone at the exit with Willow, watching them leave he wondered why it didn't hurt anymore.


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


What are you gonna do now?


"So... You saved the heroine's life, warded off the apocalypse and spent a whole night being the perfect gentleman... what are you gonna do for an encore?" Willow asks hooking her arm through Xander's and blinking up at him with laughter filled eyes.

For a brief moment Xander wishes he could be what she wants him to be, give her the closeness he knows she secretly yearns for. He tries to shake the thought from his mind and slips back into his normal goofy mode, opening his mouth to answer.

"I'm going..." he frowns, reconsiders and tries again.

"You know... somehow, Disneyland just doesn't cut it anymore. Isn't there something bigger? Disneyland is enough when you've just staked your first vamp or beheaded your first hydra. Saving the world? Calls for mucho more celebration."

Willow nods as they begin walking back, enjoying the short time together before they have to split up at the school and go their separate ways.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. It's weird how everything just carries on as it was before, that nothing ever changes. It's almost as if the events of earlier never were and no one will ever know what really happened tonight. Don't you sometimes want to just shout it into the face of the first person you see and... Hey! ...when did you last behead a hydra?"

Xander snickers, pats Willow's hand and looks down at her with that 'I'm older and wiser than you' look. Which they both knew he isn't but even that doesn't seem to matter right now.

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

Willow seems to seriously consider this, then wrinkles her nose the way Xander always thinks of as adoringly cute but Willow knows that's all she'll ever be to him. Cute. Like a little sister or... well, a best friend.

"Actually... no. At least killing a vamp is clean and practical. Get him, stake him, watch him go poof", Willow makes a gesture with her hands that resembles an explosion of fireworks to emphasise her point, "but killing a Hydra? Sounds way too messy."

Xander pretends to take out an invisible notebook and checks an invisible box on it. "No Hydra killing when Willow's around." He then pretends to put it away and grins. "Point taken and accepted."

Giggling, they reach the school and for a moment they just stand there, not sure what to say, then Willow leans over and hugs Xander, and after a moment's hesitation Xander hugs her back just as hard.
"You sure about going home alone? You know I would take you..."
"Prepared for everything." Cheerfully, Willow pats the waistband of her pants where she has a carefully concealed stake and shows Xander the vial of Holy water she has in the inside pocket of her coat, before catching the look Xander aims at her and noding seriously. "I'll be fine, don't worry."

"Ok, then..."

There's a brief moment where they both look down at their shoes and Xander wonders when things have become so complicated between them.
He doesn't like to think it's because of Buffy...

And maybe it isn't...

Not completely anyway. Xander thinks of all the things that had happened in the past year, and maybe they would have turned out the same whether Buffy was there or not.

But somehow, he doubts it.

"I'll call you, alright?"

And Willow smiles at him shyly and suddenly things are back as they always were.
"Sure. Or I'll call you. And then we'll party the holidays away. Just you and me." Just for good measure, Xander hits Willow playfully on the shoulder and Willow smiles in a kind-hearted way before turning to walk away, waving goodbye to him over her shoulder.


But now that he's alone things suddenly don't seem that easy anymore. Don't really seem that painless either. And his options are going home to sink back into the melancholy he was in before or try to do what had helped before and go party some more.

He knows it's stupid to walk alone through Sunnydale at night. Especially with no real aim.
Although that's not perfectly true because he knows a few bars near by where he could go. Even knows a few people working in those bars, that is if it happens to be their shift tonight, so Xander just starts walking before he thinks himself out of it. Thinking wasn't ever Xander's strongest talent so he thinks it probably isn't good to start with it now.

And so he doesn't notice the person following behind him.


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


Beautiful Brunettes and Bleached Blonds


As Xander enters the 'Oreon', he notices what seems to be an unnatural amount of people for what is normally a quiet night but he shrugs it off and puts it down to the Hellmouth. They wouldn't smell a rat if it lay dead in front of their feet, but when the end is near they generally seem to notice and go out to party one last time.

Xander is in no way complaining.

He waves across the moving crowd to the bartender – Brad? Matt? Fred? – who acknowledges him with a terse nod before turning back to the coquette blonde on the other side of the bar.

Xander doesn't really care.

He makes his way to the other side of the bar, half stumbling half pushing his way through the dancing people and leans up against the wall. He watches the bodies moving against each other and feels the music move through his arms and legs to settle in his belly.
Xander's gaze briefly wanders over to the dance floor as he watches the few people dancing before turning to those drinking at the bar. His eyes linger a little longer on the two couples making out in the shadows in the back of the club before his gaze returns once again to the dance floor and becomes fixed on the flowing movement of a small brunette with more curves then anyone should be allowed to possess.

Xander grins and bends one leg, placing his sole flat against the wall leaning back to make himself more comfortable as he watches her.

Tight top, short skirt, long … long legs that seemed to go on forever he noticed as his eyes traveled the length of her but just as he begins to follow them back up his attention is caught by a glint of a silver buckle reflecting the spotlights.
A silver buckle attached to a pair of Doc Martins.
That stuck out from beneath the swirling hem of a long leather duster.

Xander edges slightly away from the wall and his gaze wanders up the length of the duster until he is looking directly into the eyes of its owner.

He's too shocked to look away immediately, and although he doesn't think that the girl actually belongs with the blonde haired guy he can't help the little voice that is screaming in the back of his mind. "Caught! Bully! Run!" But then the guy smiles.

White teeth and a grin that Xander would describe as predatory if that wouldn't sound more like 'wild animal' than 'human' and if he could think clearly of course.

Which he can't.
But now the guy starts moving towards the brunette girl, one hand reaching toward her left hip and as he drops his eyes with a last wink in Xander's direction Xander can finally break free from his piercing gaze and take in the whole scene.

A pale hand sneaks around the girl's hip and up over her exposed belly. She tosses her hair back, throws a quick look over her shoulder and it seems she approves of what she sees because she starts moving back against the guy.

The guy, which Xander now notices, is a bleached blonde, wearing snug fitting black jeans, a black t-shirt under an open red shirt and the long leather duster which Xander had previously spotted.

The guy who is now lowering his head to whisper something into the girl's ear and rubbing his cheek along the curve of her neck as she laughs at whatever it was he said.

The guy who just for an instant looks back up at Xander from beneath his lowered eyelashes and winks at him again before spinning the girl in his arms so that he is now dancing with his back turned to Xander.

The guy with the bluest eyes Xander has ever seen.
Eyes that shouldn't be legal.
Eyes that don't go around winking at people like him.
Eyes with a look that lingers in Xander's mind as he hastily stumbles through the door of the club and heads for the safety of home.

Eyes that watch him from the shadows of the side-street with a hint of gold in them as Xander stumbles along the pavement.

Eyes that close blissfully as fangs part the flesh of the young brunette's neck as a pink tongue sneaks out to savour the first few drops of blood to escape the wound before he growls and buries his teeth savagely into her neck.


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


Doing what feels right...


Xander doesn't think of himself as gay.

It didn't cross his mind as he lay awake all night, tossing and turning and trying to sleep without thinking of a particular pair of blue eyes, which didn't belong to Buffy, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself they did.

It didn't cross his mind as he got up the next day and told Willow when she called, that he wasn't feeling well and that he might just stay at home all day, trying to get better.

It didn't cross his mind as he dressed up – although a pair of clean jeans, an orange shirt and his battered brown coat against the cold wind could hardly be seen as 'dressing up clothes' – and left the basement.

And it doesn't cross his mind as he's walking towards the 'Oreon' now.

Because if it did, it might just scare him enough to make him turn around and go straight back to bed.

It's one thing to admit that a guy could look good.
In a certain light.
Under certain circumstances.
When Xander's alone and no one else can judge him.

It was another thing entirely to maybe start thinking of himself as someone others made jokes of because of that confession.
More than they already did.
Because thinking of himself as gay would put him into a fringe group.
And than they'd have a perfectly fine reason to make fun of him.
In their eyes at least.

But they wouldn't get a chance to do so, because Xander didn't think it.

The only reason he was going back to the 'Oreon' was because the brunette girl would surely be there. After all, it was Saturday night and everyone who wasn't at the Bronze was at one of the other few bars Sunnydale had.
Maybe he'd never see her again if he missed this chance so he just had to go, right?

Yeah, right.


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


What if it's already too late...?


There were more people at the bar than yesterday, which wasn't astonishing seeing that it had been past midnight when he'd arrived.
And a Friday.
And the end of the world.
But they never really pay attention to those little things in statistics, do they?

So Xander once again seeks out a free spot on the wall next to the dance floor where he can watch what's going on without being extremely obvious about it. There are lots of beautiful girls here, and even the ones that aren't all that good looking draw his attention.
Curves. Breasts. Tight dresses over nicely shaped asses.

There are also some handsome guys dancing with them...

Not that he's looking or anything.
Nope sir, not looking. The Xan-Man is very much interested in all things female and so not searching for silver buckles or swirls of leather duster.

Which he doesn't find.

Because he's not looking.

After a while he pushes away from the wall and makes his way over to the bar. That's the good thing about going somewhere, where he knows the bartender but no other costumers know him.

No one cares if he's of age to actually drink.

That's why five minutes later he's back leaning against the wall with a coke in his hand.
Damn those bartenders who take ID control as serious as they're supposed to.


Half an hour later Xander is tired of watching and decides to stop holding on to his empty glass and start having fun.
In truth he isn't the most graceful dancer on the floor right now.

Not by a long shot.

But when he closes his eyes and just moves to the rhythm – every now and again at least – it doesn't really matter. He's having a good time and so he only jumps two feet when slim, pale fingers sneak around his hip and slide up his rib cage.

His heart is pounding way out of rhythm now and his dance steps don't really care about the beat anymore either as he nearly stumbles over his own feet while turning around.

Suddenly he wishes he'd paid more attention in his French or Spanish class.

Or even the few hours he visited the German class before he gave up on it altogether. Because all the curses he knows in English just don't seem to cut it right about now.

For the first time in a long while he is hit on by a nice looking girl... a brunette even... and all he can think about is how her eyes aren't the right shade of blue.

But he's never been a spoilsport and he knows how it feels to be turned down, so he gently takes her hand, the one not pressed flat against his stomach, and begins moving against her instead of moving alone.

He's not good at dancing with someone else.
Not enough experience.
When he loses rhythm dancing by himself it doesn't matter but when he loses rhythm now he gets too close or too far away from her.
She still smiles at him, tries to move as he moves.
Accommodating.
But after two more songs she dances off again in a spinning circle before leaning up against the guy dancing a few feet away from them and Xander's left there standing alone.

He tries to feel his way back into the song, searching for the good mood he just had but somehow it isn't the same as before and he shrugs, looks around the dance floor one last time before trying to find his way over to the exit.

Just before he can push the door open, a whisper in his ear causes him to freeze.

"Leaving already?"


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


What if it isn't...?


Slowly Xander turns to find himself up close and personal with the eyes that were exactly the right shade of blue. Even in the dim light here next to the door.

"I thought it was my turn now?"

Xander has never been a spoilsport before and maybe he shouldn't start right now but... "I... I was just about to head off home."

"Is that so?"

His voice is like silk and honey sliding over Xander's skin and settling on his bones. Smooth yet sticky in just the right way but in every wrong way, too. Instead of turning around and walking away like he knows he should he leans in closer, falling for everything and all the little nothings behind the guy's words as the seductiveness of his voice wrapped around him.

"You sure about that?" he whispered.

And suddenly the blond is there, right in front of him. Xander instinctively backs away but there isn't really any space, and he finds himself pressed up against the wall, an easy target for whatever comes next.

Judging by his painfully tight jeans it might just be him.

"Who are you?" Xander squeaks and hopes he managed not to gasp as the blond lazily moved his hips against his.

"Me?"

Xander feels cool breath caress his neck and it causes him to shudder. He barely manages to nod.

"Spike."

'Spike'. And just like that all of Xander's fantasies are narrowed down to one word.

Spike bends down again, his tongue flicks out, touching the upper rim of Xander's ear, before he whispers: "Are you sure you still wanna go?" He tilts his head a bit to the side and smiles.

"Wouldn't you rather," biting down on Xander's earlobe he growls "- come?"

Like with a misplaced Jenga-piece there are those few seconds where you hold your breath, wait and watch. When you're thinking that it might just work this time. That everything might go well.

But then you notice that you're in a club.
In public.
Being chatted up by a guy.
And about to take him up on whatever he's offering.
And before the tower starts to sway for real and before the first pieces begin hitting the floor Xander is stumbling out of the club, calling himself all sorts of stupid for coming back, for hoping, for being afraid and for running away.
His way home is rather long so he has a lot of time to cover all the points he wants to call himself stupid for.

Back at the club Spike exits the 'Oreon', lights a cigarette and slowly exhales the smoke into the cool night air.

Oh yeah, he was gonna have fun with this one, Spike thought.



~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


The universe never plays fair...


Things don't always go well, Xander knows that.
And that stories don't always have a happy ending and that sometimes, characters die.
He knows the last one since he watched Bambi with Willow and hid in the kitchen to cry so she wouldn't think of him as girly.
He also knows that sometimes you have to go through an incredible lot of crap to get what you want.

But sometimes he wonders if there's another guy on the planet with his name, and if he might get all the good things while Xander gets all the stones thrown his way.

He would bet a lot of money that he's the only guy who falls in love with a girl, gets turned down and stumbles head over heels into something he doesn't even want to start trying to name. Something with a guy. But with his luck, he'd lose this bet, too.

Just for the hell of it.

Knowing all this, he doesn't even flinch when there's a rustle behind him.
Just grabs for the stake in the back of his waistband, raises it and turns around with an annoyed roll of his eyes.

"Let's just get it over with so I can go home and wallow in self-pity, ok?"

"Now why exactly would you do that?"


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


...and sometimes it throws a Vampire your way


"Spike." Xander remembers – not that he's very likely to forget the name. Ever. Just before he remembers the stake he holds in his hand. He shoves it back roughly and only winces a little as the tip scratches the small of his back.
Fortunately, he doesn't notice how Spike's nostrils flare for just a second before his mouth lazily turns into a grin.

"I think we established that before, yeah..."

The blond takes a step in Xander's direction and Xander has to remind himself not to back off.

"So tell me..." he leans forwards and Xander's eyes close for a moment, "What's your name?"

Xander's almost sure he's supposed to answer a question here. Several, if he could think back far enough.

But even just this one question seems too much to manage right now.

"You do have a name, don't you?" There's laughter in Spike's voice as he asks, but not in a mocking way.

Xander finds himself smiling.

"Xander."

And just because it feels right he holds out his hand and after a moments hesitation Spike takes it and the feral grin is back on his face.

"Xander," Spike drawled stretching of the pronunciation to almost three fold in length makes Xander shudder. He never once dreamed his name could sound so sexy. Especially when spoken by another man.

It certainly never sounds sexy when Giles tells him to 'please be serious, Xander'.

Spike turns Xander's hand around and looks at the lines in his palm, before letting go of it and casually looking around.

"And what's a boy like you doing out here all by himself?"

It's like a cold shower for Xander.

One minute Spike is all over him and the next he's acting like nothing ever happened. So Xander shoves his hands deep in his jeans pockets and looks at his shoes as he answers,
"Just walking home," and because he's Xander and because he can't keep his mouth shut he adds, "Told you that before already."

The right thing would be to walk away now.

He knows that he should just turn around, go home, roll up in bed and maybe think about what could have happened instead of standing here, making an idiot out of himself by hoping that something does happen.
But Xander's always been like an old dog, lying under the table, taking one kick after another in the hope that just once he might get a friendly word, a pat on the head or a treat. So he doesn't just go now, because he might miss something Spike has to say.

After all it's not like Spike would walk him home or make the effort to follow him, once Xander walks away.

Except he had just done exactly that!

"Did you follow me?"

Somehow, the question gets lost because as Xander looks up from his shoes Spike is standing way closer than before with a hint of a smile on his face.

"Yeah, you did tell me before..." he reaches up and strokes Xander's bangs out of his face just to have them fall back the instant he lets go and it's all so cliché and strangely perfect and deeply wrong and Spike is talking again and Xander shudders under his words. "But maybe I didn't like your answer."

Those fingers are running down his cheek now and Xander doesn't quite know how to describe this when he thinks that the girl in the Disco was bold already. After all they're two guys, standing way too close, outside where everyone...

Xander takes a hurried step back, stumbles over his feet but Spike's there in an instant, holding Xander's arm. He steadies him before he can fall and instead of being farther apart they're even closer now and Spike still has that not quite smile on his face and it's so sexy. At this moment Xander just doesn't care where they are and that they're both guys and that it's all so wrong it just might be right and he closes his eyes and leans in.

"Don't you two have a home to go to?"

Xander hurriedly backs away, looks up, and freezes.

"Willow?"

~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


Hold your breath and hang on


"I think I like your way of getting better." She smiles innocently, but there's an evil spark in her eyes.

You wouldn't think it when you see the shy redhead but Willow can be a right vixen sometimes.

She doesn't like people lying to her and she doesn't like people keeping secrets from her.
Especially when it's Xander.

But looking at the reason she thinks she can cut him some slack this time. That won't keep her from harassing him, though.

Xander has never been one for Sunday Afternoon Picnic out in the forests. Actually, he thinks he would have liked it. A lot of things to eat, all day out in the sun and maybe he'd even see some animals.

But he'd never dared to ask his parents to do something like that with him.
And although he never had a chance to actually see a deer freeze in the beam of a car's headlights because of that, right now he does a pretty good impression of one.

Spike... well, Spike just looks bored.

"Willow?" Xander squeaks again.

"Xander?" Willow's still smiling that you-could-almost-think-of-it-as-evil, innocent smile.

Spike thinks about stating his own name, but he doesn't actually believe anyone's listening to him right now.

And he doesn't like to not be the centre of attention.

"W-what are you doing here?" Xander hates the stutter in his voice and he can't keep from looking at Spike to see, if he noticed.

Of course, he had.

"After you told me you were sick I thought I'd stop by at your place and spend some time with you. See that you take your medication and everything," She holds up the backpack she's carrying and smiles "I even brought some movies."

"I was sick. I mean, I was and then... then I wasn't. So I thought I'd grab some air. Take a walk. And then I met Spike here." Xander waves in Spike's direction. "And then he met me. Because, you know, we met."

Xander's babbling and Spike can't help but grin.

Willow's fighting not to laugh, too.

Spike doesn't know the girl but she smells of hidden power and it probably would be smart not to mess with her.

But Spike never did like doing the smart thing.

He strolls over and puts an arm around Xander's shoulder, tugging on the collar of his coat before bending his head down to nuzzle his neck, all the while looking at Willow out of the corner of his eye.

"Yeah, we met."

Xander bites his lip to keep from making any embarrassing sounds Willow definitely doesn't need to hear and looks at her with pleading eyes.

He knows he could just step away from Spike but this sounds way easier than it is.

It's like taking just one more piece of chocolate, wrapping the rest up, putting it away just to take it out two minutes later, unwrap it, and keep eating although you know it won't do you any good.

It's like the fifth rollercoaster ride when your stomach is already twisting and turning and you know you shouldn't do it but rather take a break but it feels so good when you're up there again, racing down with supernatural speed.

It's like holding your breath because you know you can't do it for forever and still you want to try and see how long you can manage and when you start getting dizzy you know it's not really healthy and still you keep going until you have to gasp for breath in such big gulps your lungs hurt from doing it.

Xander feels like he's been hurting too long already and maybe he should learn how to take regular breaths but Spike is right there and he's everywhere, doing whatever he pleases and taking whatever he can get.

Xander knows that it can't go on forever and that it will hurt afterwards but just for once he wants to be like this.

Wants to have this.

Willow wouldn't be his best friend if she didn't notice such things.
If she couldn't tell the difference between friendly mocking and getting on someone's nerves.

She's been in love with Xander long enough to see, when he is feeling good and also when he isn't, no matter how good he thought he was hiding it.

And she's been ignored by him long enough to learn how to stand back and not let her feelings for him get in the way of whatever it is he's wanting.

Even if it happens to be a boy.

But looking at the blonde she hasn't even been properly introduced to she smiles and maybe her jealousy isn't as strong because he's a ... well, a 'he'.

Willow doesn't need to think of the ways she could change herself to be like the person Xander's with because there's just no way for her to be like the blond. With a certain satisfaction she finds herself smile for real as she says, "Well, then I won't disturb you two further but you mister..." she points a finger at Xander who blushes, a bit too late, but still prettily, "are so going to call and explain all this to me tonight."

She looks at the way the blonde haired guy's fingertips are travelling up and down Xander's neck and blushes herself.

"O- or maybe tomorrow."

Spike feels a little bit left out, being the only one who's not blushing, but he has a rather nice view of Xander's blush, close up and personal so to speak, and that's almost as good.

Xander's smile is one of pure relief as he says thanks to Willow and waves her goodbye before turning back to Spike. Which doesn't need all that much turning at all.

"So... you wanna go for a beer? Or a ... burger?"

"I was thinking about something..." Spike runs the tip of his tongue up Xander's neck and rubs his nose against the spot behind Xander's ear before he whispers, "tastier."


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


Good dogs don't bite


"Like..." Xander coughs and tries again, maybe this time without the roughness in his voice

"Like what?"

His eyes drift closed as Spike starts to nibble on the patch of skin behind his ear then moves down his neck with wet, open-mouthed kisses.

Xander's always been a guy who likes kissing and being kissed. For him it's something deep and intimate and he never holds anything back when he's kissing. And there's nothing better than meeting someone who kisses the same way you do.

But right now?

Xander's perfectly happy with having Spike attached to his neck.

"Well... I'm sure we can think of a few things to pass the time."

Xander quickly realizes that asking Spike questions is a very bad idea because it makes him stop the things he's doing to his neck and that can't be good, can it?

"Don't you?"

Rather breathless, Xander answers, "Yeah."

Although he doesn't exactly know what exactly he's agreeing to, he knows his answer to everything Spike is or isn't offering is yes.

"Yeah?" Spike grins and as Xander tips his head back, he bites the stretched tendon in his neck before placing a last kiss on it and grinning.

"Want me to walk you home?"


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


Gender Issues


If Spike was a girl Xander would walk a bit closer to accidentally brush his shoulder against him and judging by the way he reacts maybe even take his hand.

But Spike isn't a girl.

And Xander doesn't know how things work on this side of the pond. So he makes sure to constantly keep a bit of a distance between the two of them, despite the things Spike had been doing to him not all that long ago.

Or maybe because of them.

It's not that he's complaining about Spike's... technique. And maybe it's normal for things to move along this fast between guys. After all they are known to be quite straight - snort - forward.

He tries to think about what Spike might be expecting of him.

And what he's ready to offer.

He thinks he might get a headache from all this so he doesn't even start to imagine how his parents might react after finding out that a guy spent the night with him.

Although there won't be any spending of nights.

It's one thing to flirt, snog and consider heavily making out with a guy but it's a completely different thing to be - so definitely not - thinking about spending the night with one.

Xander's still stuck trying to figure out what he could say to Spike to break this painfully long silence when he notices the street they're on.
His street.

It's way too early because Xander isn't done thinking yet and he most definitely isn't done panicking yet but it looks like he doesn't get a chance to rehearse this.

It's showtime.

And who cares if the main character has stage fright?

It's just all the more fun for the audience.


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


Care for a cup of coffee?


Spike only frowns for a second as Xander leads him around the actual building and to the back entrance of what looks like the basement. Then he shrugs.

He doesn't actually care where he gets to shag the boy.

Yeah, in the beginning it was all about playing with his food, fucking with the kid's sexual orientation, then draining him dry. But somewhere along the way he decided that the boy might just be interesting enough to play this game a bit longer and see what's going to happen.

Xander pats down his pants for the key, pulling out the sliver of metal he starts turning it around between his fingers. He doesn't know what to say so he stays silent and watches the light reflect on the silver.

Until a finger strokes down his jaw and turns his face upwards and before he quite realizes what's happening he's being kissed like there's no tomorrow.

It's different from how he imagines kisses should be. Spike's lips are thin, and firm under his. They're cooler than he expected and the slight change in temperature makes Xander shudder.

There's no hesitation in the kiss, just longing and wanting and feeling.

Spike's hands are running along Xander's cheek, down his neck and holding on to his shoulders.

Xander's hands are moving up Spike's back, sliding over the leather duster and into Spike's hair to tangle with his blond strands.
And if he's tugging a bit too hard and if the door knob is pressing into his already hurting back he just doesn't care because Spike's lips are parting under his, just enough to let their tongues meet and Xander is making little moaning noises in the back of his throat while Spike makes groaning noises of his own.

Suddenly there's nothing Xander needs to think about anymore because he just wants to get the door open. But that would mean having to stop kissing Spike and kissing Spike is just the way it's supposed to be except Xander really needs to breathe and when he breaks the kiss to take deep breaths his lungs are hurting.

"Just give me a second, okay?" Xander says between panting, smiling, and trying to get the key in the lock.

Multitasking has never been his thing but right now the Gods seem to be smiling down on him because the door slides open and he quietly enters the house, trying not to wake his parents and hoping Spike will do the same.

Except Spike is still standing outside, leaning against the doorframe and his smile isn't predatory or smug anymore but downright selfsatisified as he asks: "Gonna invite me in, pet?"


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~

Worse than papercuts...


There are moments when life reminds you how beautiful the world can be.


Seeing a rainbow after staying in and waiting for the rain to end.

Meeting your best friend after being apart for too long.
And it's always too long.

Watching a sunrise with your lover after you made love throughout the night.

And then there are moments when life kicks you in the shin and laughs when you double over in pain.

Xander is currently experiencing the second one.


There's a long silence where they just look at each other. Waiting, hoping, judging, not believing that it really is how Xander thinks it is because it just can't be.

Life can't hate him that much.

Then Xander shakes his head and takes a step back, moving further into the basement and away from the door.

Spike slowly loses the smile until all that's left on his face are hard lines and sad eyes.

"Right then. I'll just be on my way."

Xander blinks.

He hasn't cried in a long time. Not since he was a little kid.

He didn't cry when he was facing his death looking into the giant eyes of what used to be his biology teacher.

He didn't cry when Buffy told him she didn't feel anything other than friendship for him.

And he didn't cry when he was confronted with her limp body in the Master's cave.

And he'll be damned if if he's gonna start now. Over a guy he met only a day ago and doesn't know anything about.

Except for the fact that he obviously isn't a guy.

"That'd be for the best, yeah." Xander says, swallowing past the lump in his throat.

He bites the inside of his cheek because the pain helps him to focus and through clenched teeth he growls, "And don't you dare..." but as he looks up Spike is already gone.
So he slams the door shut and breaks down right inside, his back leaning against it.

When he licks his lips he can still taste Spike on them.


People who say papercuts hurt the most never had their hopes ripped apart.


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


What best friends are there for


As Xander wakes up the next morning he notices it's ten o'clock and the phone is ringing.
He remembers stumbling up the stairs the night before, trailing clothes along the way from the bathroom where he roughly scrubbed his face with cold water, to his room where he curled up in bed, hoping to fall asleep as soon as possible.

He also remembers lying awake and calling himself an idiot for believing that something good might actually happen to him.

He remembers tossing and turning and finally falling into a restless exhausting sleep.

And now the phone is ringing and his mum is yelling for him to get the hell up and answer it and the only thing Xander wants to do is go back to sleep and forget all about the blonde people that keep messing with his life.

He knows it's Willow and he knows she deserves to hear some answers. But he doesn't have any, not even for himself, so why should she have it any better?

He turns back around and buries his head under the covers.

A thump on his back and the complaints of his mum about not being 'a goddamn servant' keeps him from dozing off again and he curses the inventor of the mobile phone before he fumbles for it and puts on a fake smile because he's sure Willow knows it if he isn't smiling.

"Xander's house of sleepless nights, how can I bed you?"

The second the words leave his mouth Xander wants to slap himself.

He can see the thoughts tumble over each other in Willow's mind and all of them will lead her to a conclusion about last night, which will lead to questions and probably a lot of stuttering.

Xander isn't quite sure who of them is gonna fulfil the last part.

"Xander, you're up."

Of course he was right, it is Willow and she sounds like someone who called several times before already.

There's a satisfied giggle in her voice as she continues, "I like the new greeting. Very... revealing." And with that little girl voice that gets him every time she adds, "I didn't interrupt anything, did I?"

"No, no of course you didn't. Whatya doing up already?" He doesn't think he can actually get away with it but why not try?

"You don't really think you can get away with this, right?"

See?

"Get away with what?" Yeah, it's cheap, even for him, but he really doesn't know what to tell her.

"Come on, Xander..." he hates that voice. It's the voice that always makes him spill the beans. Eventually.

"I don't even know where I should start asking questions and you don't know a single thing to tell me?" Willow said.

He can practically see her bouncing on her bed and despite everything that happened, it makes him smile.

"Well... what do you wanna know?"

This might actually buy him ten seconds of peace in which Willow tries to decide what's burning under her nails the most before the interrogation begins.

He closes his eyes and counts.

"The whole... guy thing..."

Six seconds and Willow's voice drops to almost a whisper as she says 'guy' and then trails off, as if the concept of Xander dating guys is too big and too weird to be put into words.

Somehow Xander feels the same way.

But again, Willow saves him by launching into a babble like only she can do.

"You know, I've been looking at girls, too. But I never actually... ok, I might have thought about kissing a girl. Once. Or maybe twice. But that you... with guys. I mean... isn't it weird? I think it would be weird. Or maybe it wouldn't because it's all the same. If you love a person, you love a person so it probably wouldn't really matter but ... isn't it weird? The whole guy thing?"

"It's not really that much a guy thing, you know..." Xander thinks it's pretty much a Spike thing. But he can't actually tell Willow that because he'd have to explain to her why she won't be getting to know Spike or why he isn't seeing him anymore.

So he just leaves it at that.

"How can you say it's not a guy thing? The boy you were with? He was most definitely a guy. He's... 'the' guy. I mean... if I was a guy I'd wanna be him. Or date him. Or be one of his friends. He's like... Cordelia, just blonde. And male. And nice." There's a short pause and then she picks up again, her voice suddenly anxious.

"He is nice, right?"

She asks fully out of concern and Xander lies back down onto the bed and just lets it wash over him. Because sometimes it feels good to know that someone out there loves you and cares for you.

"Yeah he's... nice."
And he is.
At least he was until... well, let's best not go there.

"So when are you gonna see him again? And does the mysterious blonde even have a name?"

Xander runs a hand over his face and strokes back his hair, letting his arm rest above his head on the pillow and sighs.
"His name is Spike." He gulps around the not so proverbial lump in his throat before he adds, "And I won't be seeing him again."

When two people have known each other since kindergarten there pretty much isn't anything you can't tell about the other person. You know what they like and dislike. You know where they live, how their parents are and if they are happy with their home.
You know all the embarrassing little things about them and you also know which of them you're allowed to tell in public and which will be buried with you.

You also know how they react in most situations.

So Xander braces himself for an onslaught of questions, all with the same essence, 'But why?'

What people sometimes forget, when they know each other for a long time is, that every now and then your friends might just surprise you. So Xander's rather shocked when the awaited questions don't come right away and Willow just stays silent for a while.

And when she starts speaking it's collected and sounding like she thought about this for quite some time already instead of just a few moments.

"It's pretty scary, huh?" Willow asked.

Xander grins. That's one way of putting it.

"I know that I can't imagine what it's like but I'd say it's normal to be frightened. And Spike..." the name sounds odd coming from her, like she isn't really comfortable with using it because it's obviously a nickname and she only got to know it second hand and wasn't properly introduced to him. "I didn't really get to see all that much of him but he seems... different."

Xander gives a short laugh and mutters, "Yeah, he's different alright."

"See? That can be scary enough as it is, already. Add to the fact that he seems extremely comfortable with the situation and you have the perfect reason to freak out. But if you really like him, or think you might really like him, then you shouldn't push him away. Give yourself a break to understand all the things that are happening and then maybe call him in a few days and see how things work out from there on, ok?"

Xander is back to wanting to slap himself.

There she goes. His smart little girl. Being all-intelligent, like she always is. Trying to figure out stuff Xander can't figure out for himself and making things easy for him.
And here he is.

Not actually lying to her but not telling her the whole truth. Making all her good advice senseless because of that.

But he just can't tell her that Spike's a...
He doesn't even want to think it because although there isn't a chance, not even the slightest, that it isn't true no matter how he twists or turns it, saying it out loud or even just thinking it would ruin everything. The memories. The fascination. The feelings.

Admitting it would make Xander... well, what would it make him?

The guy who once stated that vampires are not good and that he doesn't like them but suddenly finds himself thinking about one. Dreaming of one. Longing for one.
Obviously it would make him some sort of pervert so he doesn't think about it and doesn't say it and instead feels bad for lying to Willow.

"Maybe you're right."

It's all he can give her because under other circumstances she'd probably be right, like she always is, but right now, not even she can help him.

"Of course I am. I'm always right. Not always in the same dimension as everyone else but always right." And she wouldn't be his best friend if she didn't know that this is the most she gets from him for now and that she just has to let it rest for a while until he comes to terms with it by himself.

As if they didn't just discuss life altering problems she asks happily, "So... what are you doing on Saturday?"

Xander easily falls into a light chitchat with her and lets it wash all his problems away.
Right now, he just doesn't care...

~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


The Mall: Where they have everything you need...


Xander knows how life on the hellmouth goes.

If you just discovered your fear of spiders the next monster will most definitely have eight hairy legs.

If you say things like 'It can't get any worse' you're practically dead already.

And if you desperately try not to meet a certain vampire it's almost sure that you'll run into him, constantly.

Xander didn't live that long on the hellmouth without learning anything, so he does the only right thing in this situation.
He makes sure to take care of everything he has to do during daylight and hides inside the house after sunset.

But the hellmouth got its reputation in a time where you still had to earn a reputation like this.
So Xander's hardly surprised that the next time he's in the shopping mall, looking for something nice for Willow, he feels the eyes watching him almost bore into his back, but doesn't see anyone in the mirror in front of him as he searches the room.

His first option is to ignore him and go outside into the sun. In case Spike would actually try to follow him he could find out just how much the people of Sunnydale manage to ignore before they notice that something is seriously wrong with their hometown.

He thinks that a burning vampire might just do the trick.

His second option would be to turn around and confront Spike.
He's just not quite sure what he wants to confront him about.

It's not like Spike's actually responsible for Xander having the hots for the undead.

Or maybe he is, but he can't actually do anything about it so why bother?

Xander puts back the hairclips he'd been studying and turns to leave but his plans didn't really include vampire speed and suddenly 150 pounds of gorgeous vampire are blocking his way where two seconds before was nothing but air.


"Hello, pet. Leaving already?"


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


...and everything you never wanted


Xander looks around trying to evaluate the situation.

Families with children, observation cameras, security people – not that they'd do any good – and, and this seems most important to him, sunlight streaming in from two sides of the room.
He's pretty sure that Spike won't actually try anything here, where he's inferior despite all the advantages he normally has over humans, so he tries to sidestep him and mutters, "Just don't, ok?"

But Spike wouldn't be Spike if he gave up this easily.

"Just don't... what?"

He's right in front of Xander again, blocking his way with one hand placed against a display of sunglasses while the other starts to play with the sleeve of Xander's coat.

" Haven't really done anything, have I?"

Xander doesn't know if Spike is still talking about right now. But those thoughts only lead him into trouble and that's something he really doesn't need more of at the moment.

So he nervously jerks his arm back and watches the material slip out from between Spike's fingers, leaving them hanging in the air for a moment before Spike shoves both of his hands into his coat pockets. Not to leave them there, but to take out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

He goes through the whole ritual of flicking a cigarette out, bending his head down to pull it out of the packet with his lips, straightening then bending down again to light it on the flame before snapping the lighter closed with his thumb, putting lighter and cigarettes back into his pockets.

His eyes never leave Xander during the entire ritual and Xander wonders if he really didn't notice all the signs before or if he just didn't want to notice.

He's seen many vampires before, the first chance he's ever had to really look at one.

Other than Angel that is, and he really never felt the desire to watch Angel closer than he was forced to.

In return he's watching Spike more closely now.

The other people in the mall probably wouldn't notice or would probably blame it on the artificial light, but Spike's skin is too pale and has an unnatural sort of glow to it that defines him as clearly non-human. There seems to be a slight difference in the texture too, and now that Xander thinks about it, he remembers how he thought about the coolness of Spike's lips and now he notices how pale they are. Too pale, even for a guy.

When Spike parts his lips to suck on the cigarette Xander can see his canines and he slides his tongue along his own to try to compare their sharpness and form.

Spike breathes.
Not regularly, though.

He's breathing in and out while he smokes, but if you look closely you can see that sometimes, when he lets the cigarette dangle from his fingers, he just stops or only does it every now and again, as if his body sometimes still remembers that once upon a time it used to breath.

It's unnerving to think that he actually missed all this before.

He wonders how he even managed to survive up to now if he's deceived that easily. And if he has a death wish of which he didn't know anything about up until now because despite everything he now knows about Spike... he still thinks he's hot.

Xander wonders if there are therapists for that and how much they might charge.

Spike is silently looking at Xander, his head tilted to the side, the cigarette hanging forgotten from his fingers, a thin trail of smoke sliding up the sleeve of his leather duster to lose itself in the still air around them.

Xander's waiting. For one of them to make a smart comment. For Spike to try and win him around. To find himself walking away and leaving all this... leaving Spike behind. He isn't sure why he doesn't just do it.

Walk away that is.

But things are more complicated than that.
The world isn't black and white.
Xander would like to believe it is, because things would be easier for him.
But he knows it isn't true.
He knew it from the very second he watched Jessie die.
Just as he knows the Watchers Council aren't any better than the government. They're withholding information, keeping vital secrets back no matter how important they'd be for Watchers and their Slayers just because they feel the need to show that they're better and smarter and know more than everyone working for them.

Whatever Spike meant, he's right when he says that he didn't do anything.

Not to Xander at least.

That doesn't change the fact that Spike's a vampire and that Xander's one of the good guys, though.

He used to think of himself as one, anyway.

"Look..."

There's a long silence where Spike's waiting for Xander to finish and Xander seems to be waiting for the right words to tumble into his mind but they're not coming so he shrugs, shakes his head and puts some more effort into letting his voice sound determined as he finishes, "I'm gonna go now. And I'd be happy if you'd stop following me. I..." Xander gulps, looks down cause he might just break if he looks at Spike right now
"I wouldn't like having to kill you."

With that he turns around, heading for the exit where he's safe because Spike can't follow him into the sun.

Vampires aren't good, no matter how many shades of grey the world may have.


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


Colorblind


Xander walks past the cosmetics and perfume counters and almost makes it to the door before Spike grabs him by the shoulders, pulling him around and away from the sunlight that is streaming in through the glass doors and slightly burning his hand. Xander tries to react but instead finds himself pressed up against the passage wall that leads to the toilets.

"Not. So. Fast."

Each word is emphasised with Spike pressing himself a little bit closer to Xander, making him gasp and shudder.

"Let me go. you... you bleached freak."

Spike grins and tilts his head to the left, running his tongue along Xander's jaw line before leaning over to whisper into his ear.

"Tsk, tsk... language, pet."

Spike's whole weight is shifted to his left side giving Xander the opportunity to slip out from beneath the arm Spike has pressed up against the wall beside Xander's head and retract further down the corridor.
Unfortunately, that also takes him further away from the door, which isn't really a good thing but right now it's the only escape Xander can see.

Spike slowly turns around, one hand still braced against the wall, the other running through his hair to rest on the back of his neck. His hand pauses for a second to massage his muscles while he watches Xander's retreat.

"You're a right tease, aren't you? I have to say, I like it. Makes it all the more fun trying to catch you."

Xander's still walking backwards, one hand sliding along the wall, the other frantically searching for the stake he knows isn't in his pants because he took it out because... well, it's daylight and vampires aren't supposed to be moving around.

Especially in his direction.

"Get away from me." Xander whispers unconvincingly.

He thinks about making a cross with his fingers but it seems just a little bit too cheap to actually work so he just keeps backing away.
As long as there's still space.

"Now why exactly would I do that?" Spike asks.

He's strolling towards him, the edge of his duster moving in rhythm with his steps, lifting his slender shoulders in a rolling motion as his eyes glint with the joy of the hunt.

"There are a lot of people out there." Xander reminds Spike.

Though he doesn't actually think a vampire killing someone would go unnoticed in a shopping mall full of people, somehow he's not looking forward to testing his theory.

"I..." Xander takes a step back only to come to an abrupt halt as he hits the door of the men's room with a thud that knocks the wind right out of him.

"I could scream." He gasps as he struggles to control his breathing.

He contemplates trying to get the door open and barricading himself inside one of the stalls, but before he can navigate himself into such an embarrassing situation Spike catches up with him and again Xander finds himself pressed up against a wall while Spike nuzzles his neck.

"Oh yeah, you could scream."

Despite knowing better, Xander can't fight the urge to tilt his head back.

"But you won't. Not until I say so." Spike leans back to look into Xander's eyes and growling low in his throat he adds: "Ain't I right?"

Xander tries to push Spike away but he doesn't have a chance against vampire strength. Spike doesn't budge. Xander's arms fall to his side as he closes his eyes and steels himself for the bite.

"Just make it quick, all right?"


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


Canary? Meet the cat


Spike growls and Xander flinches. He tries to prepare for the feel of fangs in his throat but suddenly Spike is gone and Xander barely manages to catch himself as the weight that has been pressing him into the wall leaves him and he nearly falls to the floor.

He blinks and looks up at Spike who's standing on the opposite wall, watching Xander with wide, disbelieving eyes.

"What exactly do you think we're doing?"

Xander knows that he isn't the most intelligent guy on the planet and that he doesn't always understand everything his friends talk about. Still, he thought, if a vampire had you backed into a corner with his teeth an inch from your jugular then it was pretty obvious what he wanted.

"You were trying to bite me."

For an instant Spike actually looks shocked.

"I was not!"

He wasn't? Then what was it Xander had felt on his neck?

"You were."

"Was not."

"Was, too."

"Was not."

"Was..." Suddenly Xander knows why people think he isn't all that bright. Because if he was then he certainly wouldn't still be standing here arguing with a vampire about whether or not he was about to become an early morning snack.

Spike seems to realize this just about the same time as Xander because when Xander tries to dodge Spike and make a dash for the exit, the blond is there yet again, grabbing him around the waist and holding him back.

Xander's evasive movements and clumsy fighting cause them to fall backwards against the same wall he had just escaped from. He tries to fend Spike off but the blonde easily overcomes Xander and grabbing both his wrists, pins them to the wall above his head. Xander struggles but realises it isn't doing him any good as Spike leans in and growls. "Was not," before his lips came crashing down on Xander's, silencing any further debate.

For a moment Xander goes utterly still as Spike sucks on his bottom lip and lightly runs his tongue over the soft fullness. Xander silently ticks off all the reasons why he shouldn't be allowing this before deciding that the people who think he isn't the smartest guy in town might just be right and hungrily kisses Spike back. He makes a mental note to thank Ms. Forster, his swim teacher in second grade for teaching the class how to breath through their noses correctly because right now it's pretty handy.

Xander makes a last ditch effort to free his wrists and is surprised when Spike lets them go and buries his own hands in Xander's hair as he presses his lips even closer, causing Xander's skin to tingle with the pressure.

With one hand Xander grabs the collar of Spike's leather duster as if he's afraid Spike might just disappear if he isn't holding on to him. With one hand Xander grabs the collar of Spike's leather duster as if he's afraid Spike might just disappear if he isn't holding on to him. His other hand travels down Spike's side to slip beneath the duster and move around to Spike's back. Xander struggles to get the soft black shirt from beneath inside Spike's waistband because he suddenly needs the feel of cool skin beneath his fingers.
The pressure makes Spike lean in further, putting his full weight against Xander, causing him to shift his weight to accommodate him. Xander spreads his legs wider and is rewarded when Spike moves to stand in between them, and his groin comes into full contact with Spike's. It isn't deliberate on Xander's side because god knows he doesn't really know what he's doing, but he's definitely enjoying the sensation. He slides one foot tentatively along Spike's denim clad leg and groans as they are interrupted by a shrill voice.

"Oh my... How can they? Come on Timmy, we'll go somewhere else to – Shame! Timmy! Don't you dare look at them!"

Oops?

Spike breaks the kiss and Xander can't bite back the discontented moan that spills from his lips.

Who would have thought?

Xander Harris is caught heavily making out with a guy in the rest rooms of a shopping mall.
Not even in the rest rooms but in front of them. And the most beautiful thing is...

He doesn't regret it.

Spike kisses him again, almost chastely, to get Xander to focus on him before he grins – and this time Xander's allowed to describe it as predatory – and asks:

"Want to move this somewhere else?"


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~

Your place or mine?


"Want to move this somewhere else?"

"Yeah." Xander bends down again and tugs on Spike's leather coat trying to get his mouth closer to Spike's neck area, placing a line of kisses and playful bites on the pale flesh that turns a soft pink under his touch. "Hell, yeah."

Spike's chuckle turns into a moan as Xander starts to nibble on his collarbone, dipping his tongue in the hollow above it.

"Continue doing that and we won't get anywhere because I'm just gonna take you here and now." Spike growls as Xander presses closer against him. "Up against the wall if I have to."

Xander seems to sober up long enough to step back and straighten out Spike's coat, stroking invisible wrinkles out of the collar he'd been twisting between his fingers.

"Right..." his eyes drift from Spike to the wall he's leaning on and he licks his lips in anticipation before focusing back on Spike.

"Where do you wanna go?"

Spike seems to have an inner discussion going on and Xander hopes Spike doesn't suggest Xander's place because he fears a repeat of the other night.

Xander knows it isn't really smart to invite a vampire into his home, but he isn't sure if he cares enough for the consequences right now, and if he won't do it anyway if Spike asks.

Before he can figure out what he could tell Willow to get her to do the un-inviting spell, Spike nods and says: "Right, my place then."

Xander never really thought about Spike actually owning a place. Sure, he has to sleep somewhere and it's even more important for him to have a safe room during the day than it is for a human, but Xander just can't imagine Spike checking into a hotel so he figures it's more in the direction of a crypt or a mausoleum.
Whereas he can deal with the fact that he's planning on – technically at least – sleeping with a corpse, he doesn't really fancy doing it in a cemetery.

He doesn't want to be unfair towards Spike and assume the worst right from the beginning so he just asks and hopes. "Where exactly is your place?"

"You know the 'Formel 1'?"

"Formula 1? The sport?"

Spike rolls his eyes.

"The motel."

"Oh." Xander tries to get his brain together and nods. "Yeah, I think I do. Never been in it myself but isn't it the one behind the gas station? Next to Suzzane's Sex Shop, right?"

Seems Spike does check into motels after all.

Xander desperately tries to fight the image of Spike standing in the reception repeatedly hitting the little bell on the counter.

It isn't easy.

As he looks back at Spike he notices that Spike's been watching him with a raised eyebrow and suddenly he remembers what kind of shop he just mentioned.
Uh-uh.

But Spike just looks at him a few seconds longer before noding.

"That's the one, yeah. Room 23, the door's open. I'll meet you there."

Spike starts walking towards the exit and Xander follows, hurrying to catch up with him.

"Meet me? Aren't you gonna..." Xander waves a hand towards the exit that is only a few feet away from them now and Spike silently raises an eyebrow in his direction.

Xander looks at the door, then back at Spike. Spike who is standing in the shadows. The door that is bathed in bright sunlight.

"Oh. Yeah, right."

Xander grins a bit sheepish and shrugs. "Sorry, I sort of forgot about that for a second there."

Spike catches him off guard as his voice takes on a serious note, "You shouldn't" and Xander can only nod because Spike's right. He shouldn't. But when the light is dim like now in the passage and Spike is panting into his neck it can be hard to remember.


He shakes off the melancholy thoughts because there's just not enough space for them right now and asks with a smile: "How did you get here, anyway?"

Spike points a thumb at the sign on the door next to him.

Boiler Room.
Authorized Persons Only.

Of course Spike wouldn 't care about that.

Xander guesses that there's an access to the sewer in the room. Not really the most comfortable way to travel – he speaks out of experience – but pretty much the perfect way for vampires who feel the urge to walk around during the day.

Safe too, and Xander wonders if he maybe cares a little bit too much.

"Ok, then... I guess I'll see you there." Xander turns to leave because he doesn't figure Spike for someone who's big with the goodbye scenes, but stops when he does just that.

"Oh, and pet?"

Xander turns back towards Spike and before he has time to register the vampire’s quick movement, Spike tangles Xander 's hand in his hair and pulls him forward, bringing their mouths together in a bruising kiss.

For a moment they both just enjoy the feeling of lips pressing against lips before Spike slightly brushes his tongue against Xander's upper lip, tickling him and grinning as Xander chuckles against his mouth.

Spike takes a step back leaving Xander feeling thoroughly well kissed and slightly dizzy, which is why it takes a few seconds for Spike's next words to fully sink in.

"I want you to be naked by the time I get there."

As he looks up, the door to the boiler room is already sliding closed and Xander finds himself alone in the passage.

"Naked?"

Gulp.


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


...then I hide until it goes away


The walk to the motel is short and Xander's grateful for that.

It's easy to lose track of everything when he's feeling Spike's lips urgently seeking his and that slender body pressed up against him, but now that he's walking towards the 'Formel 1' and the sun's burning uncomfortably into his neck, things don't seem all that easy anymore.

It's not that Xander's in love with Spike.

He doesn't even really know him and he still has all those complicated feelings for Buffy.
Feelings like that don't just disappear in an instant, and Xander isn't a guy who moves on this easily. But no matter how strong his feelings are for Buffy, it doesn't change the fact that he desperately wants Spike.

As he sees the motel appear around the corner he stops, tilts his face towards the sun and lets the heat linger on his face a moment longer, digging his hands into his coat pockets and palming the purchase he made with a lot of blushing before leaving the mall.

A tube of lube to show just how serious he is about this.

He takes a calming breath and crosses the street towards the motel.


As Xander opens the front door, the breeze from outside causes a dust cloud to swirl around his feet and the smell of damp and old age assaults his nostrils. Suddenly he understands why Spike stays here.

There's no one behind the reception desk and there isn't a bell to ring for assistance, either. The whole lobby – if you can call it that – looks like it hasn't been cleaned in years and since he neither sees nor hears any staff or guests, he guesses that there hasn't been an actual need for it in a long time. The 'Formel 1' isn't the most wanted motel it seems.

Xander crosses the room to the stairs, somehow he doesn't really dare to use the elevators, and his steps resound eerily from the walls. Looking up at the sign that points to the left he sees, that room number 10 to 30 are on the first floor so he climbs up the three steps and walks down the corridor until he stands in front of room number 23. He presses the handle down and shoves his shoulder against the door.
For a second the door doesn't budge but than it slides open and Xander realizes that this is actually happening and that once he enters this room there's no going back.

He looks up and down the corridor but he still can't hear any people and a wave of panic washes over him before he steps inside and closes the door behind him.


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


Ready or not, here I come


Xander looks around the room.

A bed, a bedside table, a small window, a little TV standing on a shelf on the wall opposite the bed and a chair.

"He doesn't actually think I'm going to wait here for him naked, right? Right?"

The silence is deafening and Xander shakes his head.

"No. Way."

Xander shrugs off his coat and hangs it on the single hook next to the door, and then he walks into the bathroom. He washes his hands and runs wet fingers through his hair, trying to get some order into the shaggy strands. Walking back into the room, he slips out of his sneakers and drops them next to the door before sitting down on the bed, stripping off his socks, rolling them into a ball and tossing them in direction of his shoes.

He thinks about taking off his shirt but it seems a bit too porn-movie-like for him so he just sits on the edge of the bed, drumming his fingers on his thighs.

Xander looks around the room, runs his tongue over his teeth and gets up to go back into the bathroom. He gargles a bit of water because it's the best he can do instead of brushing his teeth. It's not like it seemed to bother Spike before, but you can never do too much, right?
Before he can start fussing over his hair again he leaves the bathroom and sits back down onto the bed.

Then he notices that the scene must look like an invitation, gets up and sits on the chair in the corner of the room.

Then he notices that it must look like a rejection and gets up again, looking around the room for another seating position that doesn't look like anything.

Xander thinks about trying to casually lean against the windowsill but before he can try it the door opens and Spike strolls in, closes the door behind him, takes off his duster and hangs it over Xander's coat before looking across the room at Xander for the first time, pinning Xander to the wall without a single word.

Meep!

"You don't like to follow orders, do you?" Spike growls, "We'll have to see what we can do about that."


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


Lick me till I whimper


"You don't like to follow orders, do you? We'll have to see what we can do about that."
But Spike's grin is gentle as he says it and once again Xander asks himself when he stopped wondering if kindness is possible among demons.

And then there's no time for thoughts anymore because Spike is across the room and suddenly Xander has an arm full of a vampire who strangely doesn't taste like sewer muck as Xander bends his head down to kiss Spike's neck. For once Xander's happy about whatever hellmouth-y influence might be working here because there's no way he's going to stop to let Spike shower first.

Spike begins nuzzling his cheek along Xander's hairline and breathes in deeply, a satisfied growl escaping the back of his throat before he purrs into Xander's ear, "You smell like sunshine." He steps back, lifting Xander up as if he isn't taller and heavier and turning him around before easing him down slowly onto the bed, only stopping to kick off his boots. He contemplated letting Xander remove them but that would probably take hours and right now he was satisfied crawling slowly up and along Xander's body before claiming his mouth hungrily.

The bed isn't much bigger than a single so as Xander shoves at Spike's shoulder to get him to turn and lie on his back there's a lot of rearranging, struggling and tangling of limps. There is also a lot of rubbing and stroking and hands exploring interesting new places and tiny little gasps and groans and with a wicked grin Xander notices that Spike's eyes close to slits like those of a cat when you nibble on the inside of his wrist.

Finally Xander comes to lie atop of one of Spike's muscled thighs, one leg sliding between Spike's as his hands rest on the pillow, either side of Spike's head.

Then they are moving lazily against each other, kissing and learning the shape of each other's mouth. Spike's hands are running over Xander's back, kneading tense muscles, twisting and creasing the shirt in his hand before he finally pulls it free from the beige baggy pants and slips his hand beneath to caress the soft skin of Xander's back. One hand's moving up and around to Xander's chest where Spike tries to get the buttons open from the inside. He struggles for a few seconds, then simply tugs on it until the thin cotton strands with which the buttons are attached surrender to vampire strength and the shirt slips off Xander's shoulders.

"No fair." Xander says with a mock pout.

Spike stops, looks up at Xander and grins. "What's that, pet?"

Xander moves up on his hands and knees before kneeling up completely, looking down at Spike while struggling to get the shirt off.

"You're way overdressed."

Moving back to sit up, Spike slides his shirt over his head and tosses it across the room where it lands on the chair. He props himself up on his outstretched arms, hands behind his head and grins.

"Better?"

"Oh yeah..."

Xander pushes Spike back down on to the bed, heading straight for his collarbone desperate to learn what other noises he is capable of drawing from him. He trails kisses and little licks along the sharp bone of Spike's shoulder and down the centre of his chest where he worries the flesh with his teeth before releasing it to place soft kisses on the now red skin before easing back up along his body to re claim his mouth.

"Let me..."

Again vampire strength proves to come in handy as Spike easily flips them over and looks down at Xander with a wicked grin.

"Yeah, I like it better this way..." Spike teases.

As Xander reaches up, trying to pull Spike down for another series of endless kisses Spike easily slaps his hands away, grabs his wrists and brings them over Xander's head, making it clear with a single sharp look that Xander isn't to move them.

"Uh uh, pet." Spike shakes his head and Xander remains still. "I remember something about teaching you to obey rules. Don't you?"

Xander shudders and nods. For some reason he thinks it best not to talk right now.

"Well, let's see how much you're willing to learn."

Dropping his head Spike heads straight for an already hardened nipple, flicking his tongue back and forth against it, enjoying the whimpers Xander makes and the way he twists his upper body in pure pleasure. He moves down Xander's torso, licking and biting, nibbling and kissing and by the time he reaches the button of the baggy pants, which aren't all that baggy anymore, Xander's fingers are digging into the pillow so he won't move them. His knuckles are turning white from the pressure and he's fighting not to beg.

Spike runs his tongue along the skin just above Xander's waistline then down over his crotch, following the seam of his pants, watching Xander's knuckles turn white with the force of holding his hands still.

"Very obedient, Pet. I dig it. But from now on, you can do whatever you want."

Xander's hands come down to tangle in Spike's hair as Spike opens the first button on Xander's pants and grins up at him. "Now let's see if I can make you scream."


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


Things they don't teach you in school


"Please, just... please." Xander pleads between gasps.

Short, hectic puffs of air which warm Spike's skin, sliding over his cheek and ear as he rubs his face against Xander's in rhythm with their bodies.

Their pants are lying forgotten somewhere on the floor, the tube of lube is lying on the bedside table, waiting to be used and Spike is lying on top of Xander, trying to bring his body as close as possible, sinking into the warmth radiating from Xander's tanned skin.

If Xander experienced any second thoughts about this he had long forgotten them. Somewhere between cuming the first time as Spike deep-throated him and tasting his own juices on Spike's mouth as they lay next to each other, softly kissing and caressing as Spike waited patiently for Xander to be ready again.

Spike reaches out for the lube, turns it between his fingers and looks at Xander, waiting for him to open his eyes and focus on what's going on.

"Have to have you now, luv. That ok?"

Xander blinks, a little disturbed by the sudden change of events. Then reaches up to softly run his fingers over Spike's cheek, tugging a lose strand behind the blonde's ear he pulls Spike's head down to kiss him again, soft and with closed lips, before letting his hand fall back onto the bed and nodding.

Spike kneels up, flicks the top of the tube open and Xander swallows once before turning onto his belly between Spike's legs.

Spike runs a hand softly down Xander's back and Xander tries to concentrate on that soft calming touch instead of the fear that is finally catching up with him.

He's ready for this.

He wants this.
More than he actually thinks is healthy.

But right now, knowing that this is about to happen it's a bit hard to remember that he wants this.
He can't help but think that it's gonna hurt... or that it won't be good.
That he won't be good.

Spike places a soft kiss on the small of his back and licks over the scratch Xander's stake made earlier, following the line up and down with the tip of his tongue while slick fingers carefully prepare Xander.

It burns, but it isn't as bad as he thought it would be. Xander has all the right buttons and Spike knows just how to push them and by the time Spike pauses to slick himself up Xander's a quivering mess of arching back, incoherent babbling and satisfied moaning that turns into unsteady gasping as Spike pushes into him.

Spike is rubbing one hand up over Xander's back to hold on to his shoulder, whispering, "Breath, pet." before pushing in all the way.

And Xander does and the tension leaves his body and Spike slides into him, pausing for a moment, giving them both time to adjust and as long as Xander still can, he answers "Yeah. Yeah, I should probably do that." before the ability to form coherent sentences leaves him altogether as Spike starts moving and Xander's hands are twisting in the pillow again and every now and again Spike's hand is rubbing over his back to hold onto his shoulder.

Breathing, huh?
Maybe this concept is gonna work, after all.


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


What do we do when we get there?


"Is it..." Xander stops, considers turning his head to look at Spike but agrees with every muscle in his body that right now just isn't the time for high performance sports and just uncurls his slightly bent finger, brushing against Spike's in the process, which give a twitch of their own.

'Is it always this good?' Xander thinks but can't bring himself to ask. It sounds too girly and he doesn't want Spike remembering him that way.
He doesn't want Spike remembering him at all. He doesn't want there to be a need for Spike to be remembering him by going away later. Actually he doesn't really know what he wants later. He doesn't know what Spike wants later, either.

But they both seem to pretty much want this right now, and that's enough.

Xander curses vampire strength because while he's still lying on his back, sweaty and exhausted, Spike's turning onto his side to look at him. He doesn't look exhausted, but sleepy, in a content way. Like you look when you're spending the whole Sunday in bed, rolling under the covers, enjoying the laziness without actually needing to sleep.

Xander likes the look.
He likes it even better that he put it there.

"Is it what?" Spike asks.

'Oh, nothing...' just isn't gonna cut it so Xander doesn't even pretend to try and look for an easy way out but just bluntly changes the subject: "Do you think they heard us in the next room?"

He remembers groaning, gasping, and also some howling, pretty much on Spike's part though, but he doesn't remember hearing any complaints or knocks on the wall from the next room. But he probably wouldn't have noticed if they'd knocked the wall down so that isn't saying much.

"How many people did you see as you got here?" Spike laughingly enquired.

Xander remembers the dusty lobby; the reception that looked like no one had been working there in years and that there weren't any other people around as he was looking for the room.

"You mean this Motel is deserted?" He quickly pushes away the question of when the sheets they're lying on last got cleaned and grins. "I knew you wouldn't check into a hotel. Hah! Score one for Team Xander."

Spike's just looking at him, softly shaking his head and Xander blushes.

'Way to go with the incoherent after-glow babble.' Xander thinks.

"Don't know how you're feeling but I really feel like taking a nap now."

Spike falls backwards again, making the bed shake a little and as Xander finally manages to turn his head Spike's eyes are already closed and he seems to be asleep already although that's hardly possible. He also looks somewhat dead with the whole not breathing he has going for him and Xander wonders why this doesn't freak him out more.

Xander also wonders if this means that he's over Buffy.

He thinks about her. The way she moves. How she laughs although sometimes he has the feeling she doesn't really get his jokes. How she fights, how she cleans her hands of dust on the back of her jeans and tosses her hair back.

Oh yeah, she is still giving him all sort of goosbumps.

But so is Spike.

He wonders if Spike has a girl somewhere and what he's doing here, anyway.
Once again he notices that he doesn't really know all that much about the guy he just slept with. Pretty much knows nothing at all.

Xander wonders what that makes him?

Does Spike have someone he cares for? Someone who also cares for him.

As much as the thought hurts he wishes it for Spike because he knows that no matter what they have right now in the end they'll go their separate ways, maybe even end up fighting each other sometime in the future but until then, he'd like for Spike to be happy.

As happy as a vampire can be, anyway.

He looks at Spike and wonders if guys cuddle, afterwards. Or vampires, for that matter.

He figures they don't so he turns on his side and moves closer to Spike's still body, as close as he can get without actually touching him, and buries his head into the covers next to Spike's shoulder, breathes in the cool, slightly sweaty scent from Spike's body and closes his eyes.


Just before he drifts off to sleep he feels a hand stroking through his hair, playing with a strand, twisting it around a finger before letting go and coming to rest on his shoulder, tracing random patterns over his shoulder blade.

Xander has a lot of questions about this. It's still way too strange to understand and he doesn't really get the rules of all of it.

But he knows he has the whole summer to figure them out so he smiles, scoots a bit closer and falls asleep, snuggled up against Spike's neck.


~*~*~*~******~*~*~*~


And then we start all over again...


THE END.