It was supposed to be simple and fun. Getting a job with an apartment attached, moving away from the folks for the summer. Four months of working, partying, and nobody telling me what to do in my free time. Two months later, I can now safely say that I hadn’t expected the angst, the workload, or getting asked out in the first place. Little Miss Naïve, nineteen-year-old virgin, kissed once but never hit on – how was I supposed to know how quickly I could get myself into relationship troubles? How was I to know how to respond to long phone calls pressing me for dates, for my involvement? It’s not like there’s a course at your local college: Dumping 101.

“What do you have to lose?” “Everything. Nothing. I don’t know.” The possibility of missing our soul mates because we’re distracted by each other? How do you know what you have to lose until it’s lost?

“Did you like what we did?” Brief closing of eyes, shiver at the rememberance of a mouth on my breast, hands that spent hours caressing my skin, brushing through my hair, massaging my back. Getting really turned on for the first time by someone else’s hand between my legs. “Yeah.”

“Do you want to do it again?” A reluctant answer, “Yeah...” ...but not with you.

“Then why not try it, if only for a trial run? Then if it doesn’t work out, we’ll still be the best of friends.” I don’t think we were ever ‘the best of friends’, just two lonely people who were waiting in the break area and talked to pass the time. And why a trial when I don’t want to imagine spending my life with you? The only reason I slept in your bed was because I needed a place to crash and Mitch wasn’t home. You’ll always be my second choice, and that’s not fair to you.

“If you say no, I’ll stop.” Yeah, I trust you to stop. Mostly. But I don’t trust myself to say no, not when I’m tired or lonely or sick of being by myself. Not after I’ve spent hours sitting next to Mitch and feeling like we’re miles apart. I don’t trust myself not to take advantage of your affection, or you not to take advantage of my passive nature.

“So what do you say? Will you be my girl for the summer?” “I don’t know, I’ve got to think about it.” A sigh. “Brenda...” “Please, Jay. Give me time to process.” I should’ve just said no. Why is it so hard to say no? Am I so desperate that I’d settle for a guy I don’t love, just on the tiny chance that no one else will ever find me desirable? No, Jay, I can’t be yours, because I don’t want you to be mine. And that’s probably the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever had to say.

“Jay, we need to talk. I moved here to make money, live on my own,” and isn’t cleaning my room, doing all of my own chores, and budgeting my money a good way to grow up fast? “and possibly to have a relationship with a guy. But the only two relationships I could conceive of having is an in-love-dating-with-plans-for-a-lasting-life-together, or a plain no-strings-attached FWF (friends who fuck). The latter of which I don’t think I could handle,” despite the pages of erotica I read almost every night, I’m still a virgin, and feeling it for myself is way different than reading about other people feeling it. “and the former isn’t possible because I don’t actively desire you. Yeah, hanging around you can be more fun than being alone, and yeah, you’re good with your hands, but I don’t want you.” I want Mitch.

And yeah, Mitch might be sorta interested in a girl he works with, but he’s also interested in me, and bloody hell! Isn’t a small chance with the guy that makes my face break out in a wide smile whenever I see him, the guy whose calls I always run to, whose touch I always crave, whose tastes are so similar to mine sometimes that it’s scary, better than reluctantly hanging around someone whose affection I don’t return?

The long call had been two nights ago, and I knew he wouldn’t let me avoid him for long. Conclusion come to and pondered upon, speech prepared, I took a deep breath and knocked on his door. Creaking it open, I set eyes on the object of my torment and bit my lip to keep up my courage. “Jay, we need to talk.”

~end~